Burn
by thestorysofar05
Summary: Best friend of Alice, Sister of Emmett, Secret Crush of Edward. The girl that was lost has been found...Years later. She is not the same but neither are they. Can they help each other learn to live again?
1. Chapter 1

Numb. Buzzing. Light? No...This isn't right. No. No. No. Get up, Bella. Get up. No. Light. I should already be up. Numb. I can't move. Push, hurts. Push. Light?

"Breathe, Bella. Breathe!"

Wait. Breathe, Bella. I thought I was. Bella?

"Come on, Breathe!"

That isn't me. It hurts. Numb. Buzzing. I breathed, better. Air in. Air out. Burns, numb. Buzz.

"There you go, Bella. Can you hear me?"

Yes. I don't think I am heard. Air in. Air out. Who's Bella?

"Bella, my name is Agent Cullen. Can you hear me?"

Yes. I said yes. Cullen, do I know you? No. I know no one. I am no one. Buzzing.

"Can you open your eyes for me, please?"

Light. No. Yes. I should be up. Burns, oh how it burns. Air in, air out. I open my eyes. Light, I close them.

"Come on Bella, that's it. Please sweet heart, open them again for me?"

I do.

"There we go. I never thought I would see those beautiful eyes again."

He looks sad. Hair. His eyes. Do I know him? No. I know no one. I am no one. Burn. Numb.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"I am no one." I croak. My voice, it's off. I want to close my eyes. I start to.

"No! Keep your eyes open Bella!"

"Bella? No. I am no one."

"Your name is Bella. You are someone."

"Bella."

"Yes, my name is Edward."

"Edward Cullen."

"Do you remember me?"

"No. I know no one." Burn. Air in, air out.

"It's okay. Try to stay awake, okay? Are you in any pain?"

"No." Yes.

"Agent Cullen to Agent Swan." The man spoke into a small black box.

Swan? No, I am an ugly duckling. Air in, air out. Tired. Numb. Burn.

"Agent Swan here. I am about 200 yards away."

"Agent Swan, please approach with caution. She is disoriented."

"She's alive? She's awake?" The little box screamed.

I don't want to be.

"Yes, she is awake and stable. But disoriented."

I look away from Cullen. Another man. Curly. Him. No.

He falls to his knees beside me. "Bella, Oh my God! I am so happy to see you! Oh my God." Curly man cries. No.

"No." Please don't cry for me.

"Are you hurt? Are you in any pain? I am so sorry it took us forever to find you. I love you so much."

"No! No love! Please, no love!"

Curly looks confused. "Bella, I am not going to hurt you. What's wrong? What happened?"

"Emmett, stop. She's disoriented; we are going to get her on the helicopter and to the hospital." Cullen Says.

Wait. No love. Please. Air in, air in, air in. Please I need air in. Burns. Fuzzy. Buzz.

"Bella, sweetie. Try to take nice easy breaths. I am going to give you some medicine to help with some of your pain. It will make you sleepy and then we are going to go take a ride on that helicopter, okay?" My eyes follow his finger. Buzz. That's what is buzzing. Not me. I don't buzz.

I am moving. I should be scared. I think. Air in, air in, air out. Finally. I close my eyes.

"Bella, no! Please wake up!" I hear. My eyes are closed. I can hear.

"Emmett, its fine. I gave her a mild sedative. She was hyperventilating. She is fine."

Emmett? Memory. No. I know no one. Alice? No. No. I am no one. My hand, another hand. Someone is holding my hand. I should be scared. But no. It's warm, comforting. I think.

"Bella, you are safe. No one can hurt you now."

"Emmett." I am done. I am no one. No more burn, numb. Buzz. Black. Peace.

* * *

Burn. Always burn. Beep. Pause. Beep. Pause. Beep. Pause. Beep.

"Bella? Are you awake?" No. Beep. Pause. Beep, beep, beep.

"Honey, open your eyes."

Scared. Beep, beep, beep, faster, beep beep.

I open them. Curly. Cullen.

Cullen speaks. "Do you know where you are at?"

That beeping noise is faster. I wish someone would turn it off. But I dare not ask. Burn.

I take a quick moment and look around. Light. Breakfast.

"Light. Breakfast. Breakfast. Sorry. Sorry. Breakfast." I need to get up. I need to make breakfast. It's going to hurt. Burn, love. The end. No, the end will never come. It will be bad, he had said so.

I am stopped by a hand, "Bella, you can't get out of bed. You need to stay in bed for a little while."

"Breakfast. I am sorry. Chickens, today. I promised chickens. Eggs. Special. He is going to be so mad. Love is going to hurt. "

Cullen speaks again, I look at him. Blip, beep. I feel a pull in my chest. No. I know no one.

"Bella, you are injured. No one is going to hurt you." He holds my hand. It tingles. I don't like it. I do. No. Yes. I look at my tingling hand. There is something taped there. I look at it. I touch it with my other hand. Owe. No. My hand is pulled away from touching the object taped to my other hand.

"I need to get breakfast or loving time is going to burn." I say calmly. But that horrible beeping sound is getting faster and louder.

I pull the blanket down. I am not allowed blankets. Did I do something wrong? This is all wrong. I stop. Air in, air out. Beep, beep, beep. Sting, my eyes. No, tears. No. I will not let them fall. "Something is not right." I say. "Light, breakfast." I am at a loss. I am scared. Someone has turned that annoying beeping sound off. Thank you. But I know not to say it. There is another man there now, other than Curly and Cullen. I don't know what to call him.

He smiles, my eye twitches. I know that smile. No, I know no one. I am no one. Smiley.

Smiley talks, "Hi my name is Dr. Cullen. Carlisle Cullen. Do you know where you are sweetie?"

I am scared, I do not know. "Nooo. I don't understand what is going on." I whimper. Cullen? Two Cullens? No. It's wrong. No.

"That's okay. Can you tell me your name?" Smiley asks.

"I am no one." I am no one. It's on the tip of my tongue, Bella. No.

"You are someone damn it!" Curly screams. I jump. Cullen squeezes my hand. It tingles.

"Emmett, that's enough. If you can't control your temper, you will be asked to leave the room until you can. Understand?" Smiley gives him a serious look but smiles again at me.

"Your name is Bella. Isabella Marie Swan and you are in a hospital."

"Bella. No, I am no one."

"You are Bella. I promise you. Do you recognize this man over here?" He points to Curly.

"Curly." I want to say yes but I know I know no one. Curly frowns. A tear falls.

"No. Don't cry. No." Please. But I can't say please. No, burn. He leaves.

"I am sorry!" I didn't want him to leave. "Please! Don't leave, I am sorry! Please, loving time is going to hurt more! I don't want it to burn!" I slap my hand over my mouth, he stops. Cullen squeezes my other hand. I can't believe this, its really going to burn.

Curly turns, his eyes. I know those eyes. No. I know no one. Wait, but I do! No. You don't.

Culry walks over to me, "I am never going to leave you again Bella. No one is ever going to hurt you again. I promise. I promise to the moon and back."

"The moon and back." I repeat. My eye twitches.

"Bella, this is Emmett Swan." Smiley says.

"Swan. No I am an ugly duckling."

"That is not true, you are a beautiful swan." Cullen whispers. My cheeks get hot. Why? I do not know.

"Bella, you are going to be given a lot of information at once. It will be confusing. But we are going to help you understand it the best we can. Firstly, Emmett is your brother."

I look at him. I know him. No, you don't. I know no one.

"I am sorry."

"This is Emmett's best friend. Edward Cullen. I am Edward's father, Carlisle." Smiley says.

"Alice." I say. All eyes snap to me.

"You remember Alice?" Carlisle asks.

"No. Yes. I know no one. I don't know." A tear falls. I wipe it away aggressively. I am so confused. I want to say more. I open my mouth, I shut it. I do not have permission.

"Bella, you are free to speak whenever and whatever you want to say." Smiley, Carlisle assures me.

"No. It will burn. You don't know how bad it will burn. I have said too much. I need to go."

"What do you mean by that? It will burn? What do you mean?" Curly asks, Emmett.

"Loving time is going to burn. If I am good, it burns less. Please? I don't want it to burn. Loving time is going to burn." Air in, air out. That beeping noise comes back, so loud. Beep, beep, beep. Smiley reaches behind the bed and the beeping stops.

"Bella, no one is going to hurt you anymore. You are safe, I promise you. What is the last thing you remember before you woke up here?" Carlisle asks.

"Breathe, Bella! Breathe!" I repeat Cullen's words. "Numb. Buzz. Push, burn. Come on, Breathe!"

"You heard that?" Cullen asks. I nod.

"That's what I was saying while I was performing CPR on her." He says simply. Curly, Emmett's eyes go big.

"Am I wrong? I'm sorry!" I panic, I do not want anyone to be mad. Burn. Love, burn.

"No, no. You are not wrong, no one is upset." Carlisle speaks, "What else do you remember?"

"Agent Swan here. I am about 200 yards away. Agent Swan, please approach with caution. She is disoriented. She's alive? She's awake? I don't want to be." In take of sharp breaths. No, burn.

Carlisle looks at Cullen, "Was that said?" He asks.

Cullen nods, "All but that last part."

"What about before that, Bella?" He asks, smiley. He smiles a lot.

I was silent. Burn, that's what I remember. But then cold. Burn. It burned so bad.

"Why can't I make breakfast? I need to get back to him. Loving time will be the worst ever. I know it. Burn, oh baby burn." Cullen tugs at his hair painfully with his free hand. Emmett frowns, please don't. Air in, air out. Cullen squeezes my hand again, I notice I am shaking.

"Bella, you are never going back there. You are safe. You are going to be staying here in the hospital while we take care of you and get you healthy." Carlisle tells me.

I do not understand. "But why?" My voice cracks.

"Because those people that you were with kidnapped you and hurt you! They took you from your home, your family, your friends, and your life!" Screamed Emmett.

I freeze. No. That can't be. I know no one. I am no one. Burn. No. Yes. Wait.

"Bella, stop. I know this is very confusing to you but you do know people. A lot of people know you and you are someone. Someone very special." Smiley again. Always smiley.

Did I say that out loud? Oh. Wait. I am done. I close my eyes and lay my head against my pillow. "The end." But I hear.

"The end?" Curly asks. "Wait, Bella?"

"It's fine Emmett. Let her rest."

I welcome the fog. Burn, it will come later. But right now, fog I welcome you. Then, blackness. I hope I stay here forever.

* * *

I can hear. My eyes are closed.

"...fractured ribs, severe malnutrition, lacerated liver, pneumonia, multiple bruising, burns and lacerations all over her body, and..." hesitation.

"Just say it Carlisle." It's Curly. I remember his voice, its stern. I shiver.

"She has severe vaginal and rectal injuries. There were major burns, new and old, in both areas. As well as other tearing and lacerations." Carlisle answers.

"Do you think that is what she means about burning?" Cullen asks.

"Most likely but we won't know anything for sure until she tells us. We are also going to be careful weaning her off the drugs she was on. There was cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy in her system and a large amount of different types of psychiatric drugs. Some are still in the experimental stages."

"I am going to be sick." Curly answers and I hear someone run from the room.

"Go check on him Edward, she will be fine. I promise."

I am done once more, I welcome the blackness.

* * *

I jerk. This time I open my eyes. It's rather dark in my room. I am covered up once again. I have a pain in my belly. Then a warm feeling in between my legs. No one told me when toilet time was. No. He will be so mad. I don't know if I can move. So I don't. I lay there, too terrified to do anything. It will burn, I try to prepare myself.

A door opens, I look towards it. A women walks in. I notice Smiley sleeping in a chair. Why? Am I bad? I still don't understand. This is going to hurt. "Hi Bella. My name is Rosalie. I am going to be your nurse for a little bit. How are you feeling?"

"I don't know." I'm feeling terrified. I am wet and sore. But I do not tell her that. No. Burn, love.

She turns the lamp on that is beside my bed. I look down at the blanket, there is a wet spot. She sees it. "I'm sorry! I didn't know when toilet time was and I couldn't hold it! Please don't burn! I will hold it next time! I promise!"

"Bella, its okay...I promise. I am not going to hurt you, no one is...you have to..." she replies.

Smiley wakes up, "What happened?" He walks over to my bed side. He looks at the blanket.

"I am sorry...I didn't know...it won't happen again...Burn. No. No." I ramble. That annoying beeping sound starts again.

"Bella, it's okay sweetheart. It was an accident. No one is going to punish you for it," Smiley promises.

"Bella, we don't have a 'toilet time' here..." My face falls. She catches it, "No, I mean you just let someone know you need to go to the bathroom and someone will come and help you. You can go whenever you need to, as many times as you need to."

"Really?" I didn't believe her.

"Yes and no one is going to punish you for anything you ask for or any accidents that happen, okay?" Smiley asks. Carlisle, I should start calling him that.

I nod. Not sure. I don't want it to burn. The beeping sound stops.

"Bella, we are going to get you cleaned up and change your bedding." Rosalie says.

"No, I can do it. I am okay." I say but I really don't think I can.

"We are here to help you sweetie," Smil...I mean Carlisle says as he pushes a wheelchair over to my bed. " We are going to move you to this chair and then Rosalie will help get you changed in the bathroom, okay sweetie?"

I nod and Rosalie takes the blankets off me first. Black. Red. Black and Red. That was the best way to describe the way my legs looked. I don't think they have ever looked this bad. What did I do? What am I wearing? There is fresh blood mixed with my urine. Nothing new. There are wires poking from under my gown, I start to grab them.

"NO!" Carlisle and Rosalie both scream at the same time. I jump. No. Burn. They lied. Here it comes.

"I am sorry for scaring you Bella. You have a central line in your leg and can't pull on it. It helps give you medicine and fluids." He apologizes and explains. I am still weary.

"Look," Rosalie carefully lifts up the gown I am wearing and shows me. It's a thin tube that disappears into my skin. I don't like it. I nod.

"Alright then, we are going to disconnect you from all the machines okay?" I nod again. Strange. This is all wrong. Again, burn.

Both of them start disconnecting wires from me. I hadn't realized how many I had.

I lifted my hand with the tape, "What about this?"

"That is an IV, sort of like the one in your leg. We don't have to disconnect that one, it can come with us." Rosalie answered as she hung the bag on a pole that was connected to the wheelchair.

"Bella, I am going to lift you very carefully. I am going to try my hardest not to hurt you and if I do please tell me, I am not hurting you on purpose. Okay?" he asked.

I nodded. I didn't have a choice. I was use to it but I didn't understand. At least with him, I knew what I was supposed to do. My purpose. My consequences.

Burns. It burns as he lifts me, but a different type of burn. No. Sting, yes. It stings. I try to not show it. He apologizes. I don't say anything. He sits me in the chair. My legs are propped on to metal slates.

"Here we go," Rosalie says as she pushes me to the bathroom. It's huge. There is an actual toilet and shower in there. I am weary. I don't understand.

Rosalie turns on the sink water and lets it run while she pulls out towels and a gown from the closet. She tests the water, its probably going to be very hot. Burn. No. Please. She fills a tub with the water and adds some liquid stuff. There are bubbles. I smile. Bubbles, it slams me hard in the chest...a memory. Bubbles.

***FLASHBACK***

"ALICE! Oh no! What did you put in the dishwasher!?" I walked into her kitchen and the floor was covered in bubbles, up to my knees.

"Just dish soap...AHH!" Alice came running into the kitchen and slipped, falling right on her butt.

I start to laugh at her, "Dish soap? Hahahahaha!" I can't control my laughter.

"My mom is going to be so pissed! Why did this happen?" She asked.

"You are suppose to put this in the dishwasher," I said as I held up a detergent tab. "Not soap."

"But why?" The look on her face was priceless, she was in utter shock.

"Because THIS happens," splaying my palms towards the bubbles, "Have you ever ran a dishwasher before?"

"Yeesss...but it's usually already to go; I just have to push start." Her cheeks flush red.

I bend over, laughing uncontrollably. I picked up a handful of bubbles and blew them towards her.

"My hair!" She screamed. She playfully pushes me into the bubbles...I push her back...bubbles, bubbles everywhere...

Alice's mother walks in, Esme. We freeze. "What happened here?"

We stay silent. She bursts into laughter...

***END OF FLASHBACK***

"Bella? Are you okay?" A frantic Rosalie interrupts me. What was that? Memory. No, I know no one. I frown.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." No. I feel lost.

"Do you feel okay to stand for a few moments?" I nod; she holds her hands out to help me. I grab them. She carefully lifts me up. "Hold onto this bar for support. Let me know if you need to sit back down." I nod again. She carefully unties my gown and removes it from my body.

I see the shock in her eyes but she composes herself quickly. I refuse to look at myself, I close my eyes.

"I am just going to use a washcloth and wipe you down a little bit, okay?" She asks.

I nod again, eyes still closed.

I feel the washcloth, burn. But no, wait. It doesn't burn. It's warm, it's nice. Rosalie is gentle. She is touching me. I don't mind. I know the burn will come. But I will wait. I will enjoy what little comfort this is, for now. She cleans under my arms, under my small breasts, and then between my legs. A small part of me is okay with this. Can I trust Rosalie? I do not know. No. I know no one. I can't trust anyone. But before I can ponder this much longer, I feel a cloth being draped over me. I open my eyes and look down. Rosalie has placed another gown on me and is tying it.

"Okay, slowly we are going to sit down back down in the chair." I nod, she helps me. It stings but its okay. She tosses the washcloth in a blue bin and grabs another, wetting in the water.

"I am going to wipe your face a little bit, is that okay?" I nod. I close my eyes. Again, it's warm. It's nice.

"Barbara use to help me clean up after loving time sometimes, she didn't burn. Never burn, hurt yes. But never burned. I liked her. I think." I feel Rosalie stop. I open my eyes, she has tears in hers.

"I'm sorry!"

"Honey no, its okay. I am not upset with you. Sweetheart, those people that you were staying with, were not nice people, including Barbara. They did horrible things to you. You are safe now though, I promise. No more burning. I swear."

"To the moon and back?" I ask, I do not know why. But I asked.

She smiles, "Yes, to the moon and back. You have a lot of people that care for you deeply."

I frown, "I am no one. I know no one."

"You are Bella Swan, a beautiful, kind, strong person."

I want to believe her but no. I am no one. So I nod and she finishes wiping off my face.

"Feel better?"

"Yes." And that is not a lie, I feel a lot better after I am cleaned up. My eyes start to droop.

"Okay sweetie, let's get you back to bed." She pushes me back into my room. The fog was coming again.

My eyes closed, "Bella, I am going to pick you up and put you back into bed." Carlisle spoke.

"Okay." Sting, but it's okay. Soft. So tired. Covered up. Warm. Comfort. Blackness.


	2. Chapter 2

Each time I open my eyes, I am confused. I don't know what has become of my life. I don't know these people. I think I am suppose to. But no, I know no one.

I open my eyes, its light. Breakfast. Burn. Oh, no. I don't know what to do. I feel drops fall onto my cheeks. No, no tears. He doesn't like tears. Tears no, screams yes. I look around. Curly, I mean Emmett, are sleeping in a chair. Cullen is beside him. I do not remember them coming in. I wonder where Carlisle is.

I have a pressure in my belly. Rosalie said I could ask. But there is no one awake. I don't know if I believe her. Burn. There was no burning yesterday. No loving time. No, nothing. It doesn't make sense. I don't know. I am lost. Maybe this is a dream. Maybe this is hell. No, hell was before. Where it burned all the time.

The door opens. Carlisle walks in. "Good morning Bella."

"I am no one," I say automatically.

"You are Bella Swan. A beautiful, strong, special person." I nod. I don't believe him.

"How are you feeling?" he asks.

"Fine." I am not.

"Are you in any pain?"

"No." Yes.

"Do you mind if I do a quick exam on you? Make sure you are healing okay?"

"No." Yes. This scares me. I don't want to burn. I am scared. At least with _him, _I knew what to expect.

"Okay then. First I am going to check your heart and lungs. I will need to untie your gown and bring it down just a little bit, okay?"

No but I nod. It is not my body, I do not own it. _He _does. I wonder if Carlisle asked if he could touch me.

Carlisle's hands are warm. He places something into his ears and then brings the end of the object to my heart and then lungs. I do not move. Burn, I know it's coming.

"Good. Now I am going to press on your stomach, let me know if you feel any pain or discomfort."

He moves his hands around my stomach, pressing gently each time. I grimace but try to not show my pain. I need to go to the bathroom but I can't ask him. I am afraid.

"Okay Bella. Rosalie is going to come in here and check your IV's and then I will be back to finish the exam. Okay?"

I nod. He smiles then leaves. Always smiling.

A few minutes later, Rosalie walks in. It wakes Cullen up.

"Everything okay?" He asks frantically.

"Yes, Edward. We are just doing an exam, make sure she is healing okay. Right, Bella?"

They both look at me, I look at Cullen. Our eyes meet, my cheeks flush. I don't know why. I nod. Then look away.

"Edward, I am going to take Bella into the bathroom, it will be a little bit. Why don't you take Emmett down to the cafeteria and get some coffee and breakfast?" Rosalie asked. We will be a little bit? What was she planning on doing?

Edward looked at me and smiled, "Okay. I am going to run to the restroom real quick and then I will get back to get Emmett."

He left and Rosalie started to unhook me from the machines like she had last night.

I was nervous, "Bella, we are just going into the restroom so you can go to the bathroom, okay?"

I nodded, unsure. Burn.

"Nothing is going to happen to you. I am not going to hurt you. I promise."

I wanted so badly to believe her but I can't.

"Did I hurt you last night?" she asked.

"No."

"Okay then."

She helped me out of bed and into a wheelchair, the same as last night. I was still unsure. But she didn't lie, yet. She helped me use the restroom and that was it. She put me back into bed. Cullen and Emmett were both gone.

"See, I promised you I wouldn't hurt you and I didn't. Bella, no one is going to hurt you here. I promise that."

Carlisle walked in just then, "Hey Bella, how are you feeling?"

Didn't he just ask me that a little bit ago, "Fine."

"Good, let me know if you are in pain."

"Okay." No, that will burn.

"Alright so Bella, there is a friend that I want you to talk to in a little bit. He is really nice and he won't hurt you, I promise. But first do you remember how I wanted to examine you to make sure that you were healing properly?" he asked.

I nodded, unsure.

"Well there are other injuries and concerns on the rest of your body that we need to make sure are healing okay that I didn't get a chance to check this morning."

"Like between my legs?" I asked. Burn, I knew it.

"Yes, you have some stitches and injuries there that we need to make sure aren't getting infected. Do you understand this?"

"Yes." Not really.

"Is it okay if I take a look?"

"I don't know." No. Burn, I am afraid it will burn.

"Rosalie is going to stay in here with you the whole time."

"But…I am afraid it will burn…" I whisper. Did I just say that out loud? Oh no, it's really going to burn.

"Bella, I promise you I will not burn you. There might be slight discomfort because of your injuries but I promise I will not hurt you on purpose. And I most certainly promise to not burn you. We are going to take it nice and slow and I will tell you everything I am about to do, okay?"

I nod, I don't believe him. This is going to burn, I know it. But if I fight, it will be worse.

Rosalie starts to pull things from cabinets and Carlisle washes his hands and puts on gloves.

"Okay Bella I am going to put your feet in these stirrups okay?"

I nod, that beeping noise starts again. Rosalie lifts both of my feet carefully and puts them in these 'stirrups' as she called them. There must be a button or something behind me because Rosalie reaches behind the bed and that beeping stops. Air in, air out. If I fight, more burn. No tears.

Carlisle sits at the end of the bed, "Alright, Bella. I am going to move this blanket."

He moves the blanket up and situates himself slightly between my knees. Somewhere in the back of my mind I feel I should be slightly embarrassed to be so bare to him but I am not. Burn. I know it.

"Okay you are going to feel my fingers on you. I promise to be gentle and I will not burn you."

Yea, no. I don't believe him. Burn. Air in, air out.

Rosalie holds my hand, "Nice easy breathes Bella. Try to relax."

I jump slightly from his touch, "It's okay, just breathe. You are going to feel a q-tip touch you."

A q-tip? I am slightly confused but too scared to ask. I feel his fingers again, touching me. Burn, no they are not burning. Yet.

"Okay Bella, we are almost done. But first you are going to feel some pressure, I promise just for a moment."

I am sure I do not understand what he means until I feel something enter me, "Burn! Burn! Burn! You promised! Burn!"

"Bella, I am not burning you. It is just my fingers. I need to check to make sure the swelling has gone down. Take a deep breath and tell me, am I burning you?" Carlisle asks.

I look at Rosalie. "Deep breath Bella," She encourages me.

I take a deep breath and I feel. Pressure. No burning. "No. No burning." He removes his fingers after a few brief moments, snaps his gloves off and covers me back up before going to the sink to wash his hands again.

Rosalie helps me get situated in the bed again.

"Bella, I promised I was not going to burn you and I didn't. No one is going to hurt you. Do you understand this?" Carlisle asks.

"No. I don't understand any of this."

"Well I am going to explain all of it to you but first I am going to bring my friend in here so he can help me talk to you, okay?"

I am unsure, a friend? That's what _he _said, his friends were not nice.

"My friend will not hurt you. He is also a doctor."

I still don't say anything but he pokes his head out the door, "Jasper? You can come in now."

A tall blonde thin man walks in, "Hello Bella, my name is Dr. Jasper Whitlock. I am a friend of Carlisle. You can call me Jasper. Is it okay if I call you Bella?"

I nod. I am no one but no matter how much I tell these people that they keep calling me Bella.

Rosalie starts to leave, "Bye Bella, I will be in to check on you later." She smiles at me. Her and Carlisle must be related, always smiling.

"So Bella, I have a few questions for you. Do you know where you are at?" Jasper asks.

"I was told a hospital but I don't know why. _He _is going to be so mad." I whisper.

"Who?"

"_Him. _Joseph."

"Who is Joseph?"

"My owner."

"Bella, he is not your owner. No one is."

"But…I don't understand. I don't know…" Everything was so confusing.

"Bella, we are going to start from the beginning. You can interrupt at any time to ask questions, okay?" Carlisle asks.

I nod.

"Your name is Isabella Marie Swan. You are 25 years old and were born on September 11th, 1989. You are from a town called Forks. You lived with your Father, Charles Swan and your brother Emmett Swan. When you were 15 a man and his girlfriend abducted you. The last place you were seen was by friends and your brother at a gas station in Port Angeles. You have been missing for 10 years. You were found 30 minutes from Forks, outside a cabin. You were injured and freezing. You had a lot of drugs in your system which we believe has been causing your memory issues. This man named Joseph and his girlfriend Barbara brainwashed you, tortured you, and are not nice people. You have been in the hospital now for two weeks." Jasper tells me.

Bam…again….hard in the chest. A memory.

"_Bella, please, please, please! Edward said he would drive, Emmett is going too. I really want to get a new pair of boots to wear to the party this weekend," Alice begged._

"_Uggh, I don't want to spend the afternoon with MY brother. And I don't want to go to the mall, besides I am not going to that party."_

"_Bella, please! Edward and Emmett are going to the movies, so you only have to spend a little bit of time in the car with Emmett. We will only be at the mall for like 2 hours while they watch that stupid movie. It's not like we will be there all day! Please, please, please! You can have shot gun!"_

_I blushed, "Alice! Stop….I do not have a crush on your brother!" _

_She tortured me for hours because she thought I had a crush on her older brother Edward. Which was so not true, at least I had never said it aloud. To ANYONE._

"_Whatever, please say you will come! Umm, I will stop bugging you about Edward for two weeks."_

"_Fine, i'll come. What time will you be here?"_

"_Bella! Get down here, we are leaving!" Screamed Emmett from the living room._

"_Alice! I am not ready!" I looked out my window and parked out front was Edwards Volvo. Alice hopped out waving to me. I glared at her, just realizing that she must have said that Edward comment while we she was in the car with him! I was going to kill her…_

"Bella, you okay there?" Jasper asked.

"Umm…" I looked at Carlisle. He had Alice's eyes. "I am suppose to know you aren't I?"

He froze for a moment, "Well, I know you if that's what you mean."

"Like from before?"

"Yes, I knew you before you were abducted. I have known you since you were born."

"How?"

"Your Father and I were very close friends…."he hesitated and looked at Jasper.

Jasper nodded which seemed to answer Carlisle's unspoken question.

"And you and my daughter were best friends."

"Alice." I stated. My chest grew heavy.

"Yes, do you remember her?" Jasper asked.

"I think, maybe. I don't know. I know no one. Does she remember me?"

"Oh yes, of course sweetie. She still cares for you deeply. She has not forgotten about you, she never will." Carlisle smiled.

"Do you have any questions Bella?" Jasper asked me.

"A lot, but I am tired. Can you tell Emmett I'm sorry? The end." I said, as I closed my eyes and wished for sleep.

"Sleep well Bella, we will be back to check on you."

Please don't, just let me burn in hell. It made sense. Please.

**A/N: Please review! It helps motivate me! Thank you for reading, have a great weekend!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just want to remind my readers that Bella hasn't had normal human contact in 10 years. So the way she talks and what she calls some things may sound weird to you. As the drugs leave her system some of her human instincts start to come back but with 10 years of abuse and torture its hard for her to understand. Thanks and I hope you enjoy! Reviews keep me going :)**

For many darks and lights I refused to talk to anyone. I had too much to process but yet I didn't want to think about anything at all.

Jasper came to talk to me two times a day. "Bella, how are you feeling?" He would ask. When I wouldn't respond or even look at him for several minutes he would sigh and say, "I am here if you have any questions or just want to talk. We are here to help you and there are many people that care about you." Then he would leave.

Carlisle came to see me a lot. I let him do his exams but refused to talk to him. He didn't have to do anymore in between my legs exams, for that I was secretly grateful. I allowed Rosalie to take me to the bathroom. For a while I refused that but I had wet myself a few times. This made me feel embarrassed. When Rosalie realized I wouldn't ask for toilet time she would come in many times during the light hours and once through the darks and take me to the restroom whether I had to go or not.

One time I woke up and it was dark. Emmett had his head on my bed and he was crying. I felt bad, I held his hand. He had been with me almost all of the time. But I did not talk. I didn't eat either. Why would I eat when I wasn't hungry? That is just a waste of food. Wasted food meant burn. Loving time hadn't happened since I had been here but I knew it was coming. They would get sick of me and send me back. I knew it.

I slept and stared out into the windows. I can't say I actually thought of much. I didn't want to. I couldn't remember much but I remembered enough that I knew there were many black spots in my memory. I felt I should know these people but then I remember that I know no one, I am no one. Even though these people kept telling me otherwise. I still didn't believe anything anyone told me but then I dreamt…of Cullen.

I woke with a start, with a pounding in my chest. I looked all around me and Cullen was sitting beside me, usually where Emmett sat.

I must have looked frightened, "Its okay Bella. You are safe. I will go get your brother. I'll be right back." He stood from his chair.

"No."

He stopped, "What?"

"You loved me. In a good way though, not like loving time with 'him'."

"What?"

"You loved me?"

Now it was his time to look frightened, "Umm…Bella…I should go get someone…"

"Answer the question Edward." I had no idea where this confidence was coming from. I wasn't scared of him. I didn't know why but I knew somewhere in mind, that he wouldn't hurt me.

"Yes, I do. I mean, I did. I mean…." He tugged at his hair. "You remember me?"

"Yes."

"What do you remember?"

"I don't know." I lied.

"Bella, please tell me."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because _he _will be mad. Loving time is just for him."

"Bella, he is not going to be able to touch you ever again."

"I can't believe that!"

"Why?!" He screamed back.

"Because he said I was his, only his! I am no one, I know no one! And it's true, it's been 10 years! I don't know anyone anymore! No one will be able to love me the right way again after they find out the truth of what I have done and what has happened to me! The one person that still loved me hasn't come to see me since you brought me here! You should have left me die at that cabin! At least I could be with my Dad who I knew loved me!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I slam my hand to cover my mouth, tears threaten to spill.

Edward walked over to my bed and pulled up his chair, he grabbed my hand in between both of his, careful not to touch the IV. "Bella, what do you know of your Father?"

I tried to control my tears and my breathing, "I know he is dead."

"Who told you?"

"He did." Edward handed me a tissue and I wiped at my cheeks. The traitor tears, damn them.

"How?" he asked.

"He would come to visit me at dark time in the cabin. He told me that he tried to find me sooner. And that he tried to stay alive long enough to see me again but he just couldn't hold on any longer, the cancer was just too much. He would come almost every night, just for a few minutes though. He would tell me he loved me and to hang on just a little while longer because soon I was going to be safe. I knew his love was different than Josephs so it didn't scare me. But ever since I came here I haven't seen him," I sobbed.

"It's because you are safe."

"I want to believe that Edward but I can't…I am just so scared. I feel like this is all a dream. There are so many black spots in my memory…," I paused "Wow."

"What?"

"This is the most conversation I have had in 10 years. When I was at the cabin my head was always so foggy and even here sometimes. I wasn't able to put many words together."

"Bella, you were given a lot of drugs. There was heroin, ecstasy, and a numerous amount of various psychiatric drugs in your system when you came to the hospital."

"Really?"

He nodded, "You have been going through detox while you have been here. Carlisle and Jasper think that is the biggest reason for the memory loss and the bouts of altered mental status. But we are all here to work with you. We all love you, the right way."

"I am so scared, Edward."

"I know, but no one is going to hurt you. I promise. Now, can you tell me what you remember of us?"

"That I was no longer just Alice's annoying little friend." I blushed. This time I knew why.

He smiled, "Yea. You are so much more than Alice's annoying little friend."

I smiled at him, "But we kept it secret didn't we?"

"Yes, at the time only Alice and Emmett knew. I had a black eye for a week when Emmett found out about it. I was 3 years older than you, we didn't want anyone to try to keep us away from each other. The day before you turned 16, was when you were taken. We were going to tell our parents the day after. Age wouldn't have been an issue for us then. They obviously know now, I told them everything," he paused.

My mind was swirling again. As he talked, new memories came to the front of my mind. I had loved this boy once, only he was a man now. He had loved me but he couldn't love me again because I am no one.

"Bella, can you do something for me?" He asked seriously.

"What?" I was nervous.

"Will you please eat something?"

"What?" That was not what I was expecting of him.

"Bella, you have been here for a little over 6 weeks…"

"Really? It's been that long?"

"Yes and if you don't eat soon they are going to force you to eat. And I know you wouldn't want that. No one wants to force you to do anything but when something endangers your life, we will do what we have to. They have been giving you as much supplement through your IV but there is only so much they can do that way. You are extremely underweight…"

"Yes I will try to eat something. I am sorry." I didn't want to but I couldn't stand the look of sadness pouring from Edward's eyes.

The door swings open to my room, "What happened? I was told there was screaming in here!"

It's Carlisle, "Bella are you okay?"

"Yes, I am fine." I answer half honestly. The more I remembered the more confusing and scary everything got.

"Bella here, just agreed to try to eat something." Edward told him.

"Umm…Okay then. I will go order you some broth. Your stomach can't handle solid food right now." I nod. He smiles and I give a weak smile back.

Edward and I don't say anything to each other but he is still holding my hand when Carlisle comes in with a tray. He places it on the rolling table and brings it to my bed. I look at the bowl. It looks unappetizing. Both Edward and Carlisle are watching me carefully as I pick up the spoon and bring it to my lips. My mind is still swirling and black spots are starting to cloud my vision. I try to blink them away but to no avail. I am no one, I know no one. I drop the spoon, I feel the warm liquid seep through the top of my gown.

The black spots grow, "I am sorry. I am no one, the end." And I am done.

Again I can hear but my eyes are closed. They won't open but then again, I am not trying very hard.

* * *

"Is it a coma?" Emmett asks.

"No, I think it is a way for her mind to cope." Jasper answers.

"I don't understand. She still moves and her eyes are open sometimes and she blinks, I just don't get it! And then she will sleep for days! Why can't you do something Jasper?" Emmett screams.

"Emmett there isn't much we can do; we have to let her mind heal. At least she is eating a few bites of food once and a while," Jasper concedes.

I am? I don't remember that.

"What did you say to her Edward? This is all your fault! You and your stupid teenage romance, she wasn't ready to know! She can't handle it!" Emmett screamed.

Don't yell at Edward. It's no ones fault but my own. My fault, burn.

"I didn't say anything to her Emmett, she remembered me. She was the one who said it. All I did was answer her questions. I am sorry, I didn't mean for this..."He defended. "You know I love her, you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt her..."

He loves me? No, he can't. I am no one, burn.

"Well you did!"

Emmett, please calm down. I silently beg, I am sorry. Burn.

"You two," Carlisle reprimands, "Enough. None of this is good for Bella. Go get some coffee or something and cool down. If you have more to say to each other, it can be said outside of this room. As Bella's doctor I will not have you two going at each other in front of her. Do you understand?"

I hear feet shuffle and then a door slam. I jump.

"Edward, I think he is just upset because she remembered you before him," I hear Jasper say.

"I didn't mean for it to happen that way, I'm sorry."

"He knows that, he just needs someone to take out his frustration on. Why don't you get some coffee, take a break." Carlisle encourages.

"Alright," I hear Edward answer and he leaves the room.

"Bella, I know you can hear me." Carlisle accuses.

I keep my eyes closed but answer him, "How?"

"I saw you jump when Emmett slammed the door. How much did you hear?"

"Enough to know that you should send me back to him. Burn, it's what needs to happen." My eyes are still closed.

"Why do you say that?" Jasper asks.

I open my eyes slowly and look at him, "Because I am causing problems for all of you. I can't stand waiting, waiting for the burn to happen! I rather you just do it, so I can get it over with! With _him_ I knew what was going to happen. I knew my purpose, my consequences. You will get sick of me soon and I will be back with him. I just hate not knowing when! I am not Bella, I am no one! That girl 10 years ago is dead! Gone, she is never coming back!"

"Okay Bella. First, no one is going to send you back there. Second, no one is ever going to burn you. You are safe here, no one will intentionally hurt you. I promise. And last, you are Isabella Swan. No one expects you to be the same Bella you were 10 years ago. No one is the same from 10 years ago but you are still Bella. You are strong, smart, and special." Jasper tells me.

I have so many arguments to that statement but I address the one that scares me the most, "If you don't send me back, _he _will find me anyways. I was his and only his. He told me if I ran he would find me. And loving time would be the worst. He would love me over and over for a long time, until I begged for death!"

"Bella," Jasper said carefully, "Joseph and Barbara will never be able to hurt you again because they are dead."

What? How? Why? What? No, that can't be true.

"You are lying!" Burn, I knew what would probably happen for yelling but I couldn't help it. Burn, oh it will hurt.

"No Bella, when the FBI surrounded the cabin, Joseph killed Barbara and then himself."

"The FBI?" My mind can't take this. Burn, love, burn. No. The FBI? What? Why were they looking for me? No. Cullen found me. Not the FBI. Joseph wasn't dead. He couldn't be. No. Air in, air in, air out. Air in, air in, air in, air out. Beep, beep, beep. No.

"Bella, stay with us. You are okay, you are safe."

Carlisle was talking to me, I could feel his hand on my shoulder. I could see parts of his face, but it was covered in black spots.

"I can't…I don't…No…I'm sorry. No, I can't." Burn.

"Come on, nice easy breathes. You are safe; no one is going to hurt you. Stay with us," Carlisle pleaded calmly.

"I can't…" Air in, air in, air in air out. "The end." I closed my eyes.

Again, I welcomed the darkness. This time I dreamt of irons, burning, and of '**_him'. _**Hell.


	4. Chapter 4

Glimpses. Flashes. Burn.

I was in this dream world that I couldn't wake up from.

I would dream of Joseph and burning and I begged him to stop but he wouldn't.

Then sometimes I would dream of Carlisle…

"…..she pulled her central line out, put pressure on it!…Bella…you are safe….come on Bella….wake up…"

I would dream of Dr. Whitlock too…

"I need restraints over here! She is going to hurt herself further….Bella…you are safe…wake up….you are dreaming…"

And Emmett…

"Come on little sis…we are all here waiting for you to wake up…please….Dear God, Please! Hasn't she been through enough?...Please Bella…wake up…I'll give up anything…I wish I could switch places with you…"

And two times of Alice…

"Oh Bella! I have missed you so much but you need to wake up so I can tell you that! And so I can hug you over and over! I know I am not suppose to tell you I love you but I do…in a good way though….never ever in a bad way…come on Bella…I have so much shopping to do with you…"

And then…

I had dreamt Alice placed my hand on her tummy and said, "You have to be here when he or she is born. No one knows yet besides Jasper. You are the first one I'm telling….so you need to wake up….because I am not having this baby with out you…."

That last dream had felt real. Too real…but it made me feel happy….until I dreamt of **_him_** again…

"It burns! Burns! Please stop! You win, you win! Please just kill me! Please…" I struggled but something was keeping my hands restrained at my sides.

I tried to fight... "It burns! I am sorry….please…I can't take it anymore…just make it end!"

"Bella! Bella….stop fighting…"

"It burns, I am sorry! Just kill me…you win…" I wanted death. He told me I would beg for it at some point…he won.

"Bella, open your eyes. You are in a hospital, you are safe, no one is hurting you…open your eyes sweetheart…"

I opened them a smidge, I didn't want to see _**his**_ face again…but it wasn't Joseph that stared back at me, it was Edward.

"There you go, it's me Edward. You are safe, no one is hurting you." He smiled at me.

"What? No…burns…stop…no…wait…" I was confused. There was something in the back of my throat and tickling my nose, I tried to bring my hand to my face. I wasn't able to, I looked down at my arms, they were tied to the railings.

"I'm sorry! What did I do? I'm sorry! What's wrong? I'm sorry!" Tears were streaming down my face but I didn't understand. Had I been bad that they had to punish and restrain me? Did they burn me? I pulled at the restraints.

"Bella, you did nothing wrong. The restraints were necessary for your protection."

"What? Why?" I didn't understand, I didn't know what was going on. I pulled harder at the restraints.

The door swung open and Carlisle walked in, he took a moment to take the scene before him in. "Bella, honey. Stop fighting. You are safe…"

I was terrified, "What did I do? I'm sorry! Please!"

"Bella, I will take the restraints off but first you need to calm down. You were trying to hurt yourself and we had to use these so you wouldn't."

I was sobbing but I managed to take a deep breath before I spoke, "I don't remember, I don't understand." I closed my eyes. Maybe I will still dreaming, just maybe. Please, stop. Air in, air out. No. No. No.

"Bella, please look at me." Carlisle requested. I slowly opened my eyes and looked into his. My vision was slightly blurred from my tears.

Carlisle knelt down to my level, "Bella, look. I am taking the restraints off. But please, try to slow your breathing down." I watched him as he undid the restraints.

"Bella, you are safe. Do you remember where you are?" Edward asked me.

I shook my head, "Umm…yea…a hosp…a hospital." I think.

"That's right, can you tell me your name?" Asked Carlisle.

"I am no one, I know…"I started automatically, "No. Wait…Bella."

Both Edward and Carlisle smiled.

"That's right. Your name is Bella Swan. Do you remember my name?"

"Yes, Dr. Cullen. Carlisle Cullen."

"And what about him?" He asked, pointing to Edward.

"Edward."

"That's right sweetie. You're doing well."

Edward brought a tissue to my cheeks and starting to dab my tears away. I looked towards him and felt a tug from my nose.

Panic rose through me again, "What is this? Why? Did I do something wrong?" There was a tube going into my nose and I could feel it in the back of my throat.

"No honey. You didn't do anything wrong. You have been a little out of it for a while and you were trying to hurt yourself…" Carlisle explained.

"I don't…I don't remember…"

"It's okay but in order for you not to hurt yourself we had to use the restraints and the tube in your nose helped us give you food and nutrients."

I looked at Edward, "You forced me?" I wasn't angry, I was just sad that it had gone this far and I didn't remember any of it.

"I'm sorry Bella, we had to. We couldn't let you starve to death. It was the easiest way, please don't be upset."

"I'm not." I lied. "I'm just confused. I don't remember…." Another tear fell down my cheek, Edward wiped it away.

"Thank you."

"How are you feeling physically?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't know. Umm…fine I guess."

"Are you in any pain?"

"No." Yes, I was always in pain.

"Okay sweetie. Is it okay if I go get your brother? He will be happy to know you are awake," asked Carlisle.

I nodded, "Yea."

He left in search of Emmett.

"I want this out." I told Edward, pointing to the tube in my nose.

"Bella, that's not my call. It's Carlisle's, he is your doctor."

"But…but you have medical knowledge do you not?"

"Yes but…"

"Do you know how to take this out?"

"Yes but I am not a doctor and I don't work at this hospital. We will talk to Carlisle when he gets back, okay?"

I sighed an irritating sigh. Edward laughed lightly.

"What's funny?" I asked curiously.

"That noise you just made, you sighing. That was totally the Bella I remember."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Bella, I know it might not seem like it now but things will get better. They will never be like they were before you were abducted but you are still you. It will just be a journey to find yourself again but you will. You are already getting better, even if you may not realize it."

"I hope so."

Carlisle and Emmett came in. Emmett was smiling from ear to ear.

"Bella, do you remember who this is?" Carlisle asks.

"Emmett, my big teddy bear of a brother who loves me, the right way, to the moon and back," I smile at him. I hadn't even realized I remembered him.

"Oh Bella!" Emmett walks quickly to my side, "Can I hug you?"

I nodded and he hugged me. He held on tight but didn't hurt me. He cried. I cried. He laughed. I laughed. I felt safe in his arms.

Once he let go he asked me, "How are you doing, Bells?"

I looked at Carlisle, "I want this out, _now._" Indicating to the tube in my nose. Everyone laughed. But me.

"In a little bit Bella. I will let you visit for a few moments while I go get Rosalie and then I am going to do a quick exam on you before we make any decisions. Then after words Jasper and I are going to come in and talk to you."

"But why? Did I do something wrong?" I asked anxiously.

"No honey, just try to relax. Everything is fine, I promise you. I'll be right back."

Once he left Emmett started to ask questions, "So Bella, you remember me then?"

"I know who you are and I have some memories of you yes. But there are still a lot of black spots in my memory. I'm sorry if I caused you any pain…"

"Bella, stop. You have nothing to apologize for. You have done nothing wrong…I am just happy that are you are back. I have missed you so much."

"But you cried. And I caused you and Edward to fight…"

"Bella, that wasn't your fault. People argue, people get upset but that doesn't mean it was your fault."

"But if someone gets mad, it is my fault. Burn, love, burn…" I could feel myself being pulled by the fog.

"Bella, stop." Edward placed both his hands on either side of my face and looked me straight in the eyes, "Repeat after me."

"My name is Bella Swan."

I was scared, I could feel myself slipping so I did what he wanted, "My name is Bella Swan."

Beep, beep, beep…it started again.

"I am at a hospital and I am safe."

The fog threatened stronger but I didn't want it to win, "I am at a hospital and I am safe."

"I am a strong and beautiful person."

Beep, beep, blip, beep, beep…..I blushed, "I am a strong and beautiful person."

"I am safe."

"I am safe." The fog was clearing.

Edward just looked at me for a few moments, "Are we alright Bella?"

"Yes, how did you do that?"

"I just got you to focus on your reality."

"Thank you." He let go of my face, I missed his touch. No, yes. Beep, Beep, Beep.

"Will someone turn that damn beeping off?" I covered my mouth, I couldn't believe I said that.

They both started laughing but Edward reached behind me and it stopped.

"I am sorry."

"Bella, no. You did nothing wrong. You can ask people for things, no one will punish you."

I was hesitant, "What is that noise? It's very annoying and it only comes on at the worst times."

"It's your heart monitor. When your heart rate gets a little too fast it starts to beep so the doctors and nurses are aware.

"Oh."

Carlisle came back with Rosalie, "Alright boys, out. I'll come find you after we are done. Okay?"

Both Edward and Emmett nodded.

Emmett gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Take care Bella, I'll be back."

"So Bella, how are you feeling?" asked Rosalie.

"Fine."

"Are you in any pain?" Carlisle asked.

"No." Yes.

"Honestly?"

I hesitated, "I'm fine."

"Bella, we can't help you if you aren't honest with us."

"I said I was fine," I snapped.

"Okay, well we are going to do an exam today like before but a very thorough exam, from head to toe," Carlisle said carefully.

Beep, Beep, Beep…. "Bu…But why?" I knew what he was saying, he was saying that he had to do another between my legs exam.

"You had a lot of burnt areas of skin when you first came to the hospital and we have to keep a very close eye on them so they don't get infected. You have been here for a little more than 3 months now and they are almost completely healed but we have to do one more check and I will be testing for infection and diseases. If everything goes well today there shouldn't be any more internal exams."

"Burn, I just don't under…stand…I don't get why I am still…here…burn, oh baby burn," I stuttered as I wiped away my tears.

Carlisle pulled up a chair next to my bed and sat down, "Sweetheart, you were very sick when you first came to the hospital. Your heart has stopped two times,"

"Really?"

"Yes, once in the woods and then again while you were in surgery. Like I said, you were very sick. We had to give you a lot of medications but we also had wean you off the drugs that you had been given too. On top of that you had some pretty severe burns to your vaginal and rectal areas."

I looked down at my hands ashamed, burn. Oh baby, burn, you know it. Trash, ruined.

Carlisle continued, "Considering everything that you have been through, you are doing extremely well. You are a very strong person Bella."

"No, no I am not. I'm ruined, trash."

"No Bella you are not, you are beautiful and strong and an amazing women."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, you can ask me anything. Don't ever be afraid of that."

"And you will be honest with me?"

"Yes."

"Will I ever be able to have children?" I don't know why but I needed to know.

He sighed, "We don't know yet. There doesn't seem to be any damage to your ovaries or uterus that we can see but there are so many other factors that can come into play. You were given a lot of medicines, that some aren't even barely in the experimental stages yet so we don't know what the side effects are. Also, you have been severely malnourished. Even if you would be able to get pregnant we won't know if you would be able to carry to term. There is damage to your cervix but we won't know more until down the road. You will not be able to have sexual intercourse for a very long time due to the injuries…"

"No, I don't want to ever do _that _again. I don't think I will ever want to anyways…I had just wondered. Thank you for being honest." I whispered.

"You are welcome. But even so it's not a definite no. We will know more as time goes on, okay?"

I nodded. I knew I could never be in a normal relationship. I knew no one could ever love me that way again, even if it was the right way.

"Is it okay to start the exam?" he asked carefully.

"I guess," I knew I didn't have a choice. They may have not burned me yet but I knew that they could force me to do things.

"Alright, I will explain everything. And when we get to a specific part of the body I can explain what injuries you had there to if you want."

"I guess," I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.

He started with my head, looking into my mouth, ears, nose and eyes. He told me I had had a small laceration to my left cheek, only needed 3 stitches which had already been removed and he didn't think there would be much of a scar. He listened to my hearts and lungs with an instrument he called a stethoscope. He said I had had an infection in my lungs and an irregular heartbeat that was most likely due to the drugs I was on. But my heart was back to normal and the infection in my lungs was gone. I had 3 broken ribs which were almost healed but they would continue to be sore. He moved his hands around my belly pressing gently. He told me I no longer had a spleen, whatever that was. Said that I didn't necessary need it but I would have to be careful to try not to get sick. I had to have surgery to fix my liver but that was okay now. He checked my legs, they were still ugly colors but not like they use to be.

"You had a lot of bruising and burns all over your body but nothing life threatening. They are still healing but you will have some scars."

Scarred and ruined.

"You okay to continue?"

I nodded, unsure. Burn. I know he hasn't hurt me so far but I feel like its going to come. Burn, oh baby burn for me.

Rosalie helped me get situated on the bed when I felt something between my legs, then I realized the feeling of something inside me, panicked, "What is that? What is it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! What happened, what did I do? Burn, no. Please, no burn!" Tears pricked my eyes.

"Bella, calm down. It's a catheter that goes into your bladder…" Rosalie tried to explain.

"But…but why?"

"Remember how we told you that you were out of it for awhile?" Carlisle asked.

Air in, air out. Beep, beep, beep. I nodded frantically.

"This was a way for you to go to the bathroom without urinating all over yourself."

I pulled up my gown, there was a tube taped to my leg. The wires or central line as they had called it was gone. But there was a huge tube that disappeared in between my legs.

"Get it out! Get it out! Please, get it out! Burns! How it will burn!" I begged. I didn't like it. No. No. No. Beep, beep, beep…Air in, air out, air in, air out.

Rosalie put her hand on my shoulder, "Honey, please calm down. Carlisle will take it out but we have to get you situated okay?"

I nodded. I let her help me move lower in the bed and she put my feet in the stirrups again.

Carlisle again situated himself slightly between my knees, "Alright, you are going to feel some pressure but I am going to remove the catheter now."

I shuddered at the sensation and I made a horrific sounding noise.

"Bella, it's out. Now you are going to feel me touching you."

For some reason, I couldn't handle this. Sobs were wracking my body and I couldn't seem to control my breathing.

"Bella, I need you to try to take nice deep breaths."

"I…can't…please…burn…I'm….sorry….please…" Small black spots were starting to cloud my vision. This wasn't like before. This was different.

I saw Carlisle stand up, "Rosalie can you call out to the front desk and see if Jasper can come in here with 1 mg of Ativan?"

She nodded and reached behind me and somethin made a long beep noise, "Nurses station, how can I help you?" said a unrecognizable voice.

Rosalie answered, "Hi, this is Rosalie. I am in room 304 with Dr. Cullen. He has requested Dr. Whitlock come in here with 1 mg of Ativan IV push please?"

"I'll send him in right away," said the voice.

"Thank you."

"Bella, we are going to give you something to help with your breathing. We need to get this exam finished, you are safe remember that. I will not hurt you," Carlisle reminded me.

Jasper came in then, "Hey Bella, not feeling so well?"

"Nnn…no…I'm sorry….please…don't…..bbburn….i'm sorry…"

"Hey it's okay, I am just going to give you this medication which should help you catch your breath and relax a little."

I nodded, I was scared. I was more scared because this wasn't the fog pulling me under. I was very well aware what was going on. And that scared the shit out of me.

Jasper started to push a liquid through one of my IV's.

"Thank you Jasper. We need to get the internal exam done and I don't believe she would have done well with the speculum."

"Just give this a few minutes."

They continued to talk and I was finally able to catch my breath. I felt relaxed, a little sleepy but I felt a lot better.

"Feeling better Bella?" Jasper asked.

I nodded sluggishly, "I'm sorry."

"You did nothing wrong. I am going to step out so Carlisle and Rosalie can finish. Just remember that you are safe and no one is going to hurt you okay?"

"Yea."

Carlisle and Rosalie talked me through the rest of the exam. I didn't like it when Carlisle had put the speculum in but it was only in for a few moments. The medicine that had given me wasn't strong so I could still tell what was going on. It did make me sleepy though.

"Alright Bella, all done. You did amazing," he said.

I nodded, my eyes closing. This wasn't due to the fog, I was in a happy place. I was tired but in a happy place.

"Rosalie can you get her situated back into bed and we will just let her rest for awhile?" I heard Carisle ask. "I am just going to run these swabs up to the lab."

"I'll take care of it."

Rosalie helped me get comfortable and covered me up, "Sleep well Bella. We will be here when you wake up. Alice is going to come and have dinner with you, she missed you terribly. But rest for now."

My eyes were closed but I smiled. And dreamt of Alice. I couldn't wait to see her.

A/N: Please review, I like to know how I am doing! I hope you all have enjoyed this adventure so far! :)  
I just wanted to make a note that Bella has no sense of time. So some of these events might seem to go too quickly but as it says in the story she has now been in the hospital for 3 months but she only remembers a handful of events. She knows her days and nights as lights and darks. And she doesn't even realize the things she remembers but we will get to more of that in the next chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

When I woke up, someone was holding my hand.

"Alice?"

"Bella! Hey sweetie!" She had tears in her eyes.

"Please, don't cry."

"Bella, these are happy tears I promise. How are you feeling?"

"Umm," I had to think about it for a moment; I was still in shock that I was actually seeing Alice. "Fine, I think." I brought my hand to my face and felt my nose, that tube was gone, "Thank God."

People started to quietly laugh, I looked around. I hadn't realized how many people were in the room until now. Edward, Emmett, and Jasper were all sitting on the couch. I didn't understand why Jasper was still here and looking so comfortable with Edward and Emmett.

Carlisle was leaning against the wall but started to walk over towards me, "How are you feeling, Bella?"

"Okay I think, how long have I been sleeping?"

"A little of 5 hours, are you hungry?" He asked.

Was I? I didn't know, how do I know? I was just told when to eat and when not to eat. I was never given the choice.

"How bout we bring you a tray and you can try to eat something?"

I nodded. He left to retrieve the food, I assumed.

"So Bella, do you remember me?" asked Alice. She was so happy to see me, burn. No, its fine. Burn. Alice would never hurt me.

"Yes, very much so. I have missed you so much! I dreamt about you a lot, I even had this one dream that you told me you were pregnant and it was with Dr. Whitlock! But you said you weren't going to have the baby with out me!" I giggled. Giggled? I didn't even realize I remembered how to giggle. But it was cut short because Alice's face dropped.

"What?" Edward. His voice in shock.

"Congrats buddy!" Emmett slapped Jasper on the back.

But the look on Alice's face made me believe that I had done something bad, burn. "I'm sorry! Did I do something wrong?" Burn, oh baby burn.

Alice smiled and let out a sigh, "No Bella, you didn't do anything wrong. That wasn't a dream though I really am pregnant, we just hadn't told anyone yet."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey it's alright! You didn't do anything wrong, we were going to tell everyone once you were out of the hospital but now is better than later, right?"

"I guess. But I don't understand, you said you and Jasper were going to have a baby. But that is Dr. Whitlock?"

"Yea Bella he is a doctor but he is also my husband."

"Really? You are married?" I looked at him and he just smiled at me.

"Why didn't you tell me who you were?" I asked.

Jasper stood up and walked over to me, "Because at the time it wasn't relevant. We weren't even sure you remembered Alice. We didn't want to confuse you."

"But why have you been my doctor?"

"Because he is the best," answered Alice. "And we will only let the best treat you."

"Oh. What kind of doctor are you? You have never done any exams on me," I wondered.

"I am not that kind of doctor, Bella. I am a psychiatrist with a specialty in trauma and abuse cases along with drug and alcohol addiction."

"But why? I'm not a druggie," I said defensively.

"No you are not, but your body was dependent on drugs for unknown amount of time which could cause psychological problems. And you were abused for a very long time."

"Oh." Ruined, trash. Every part of my body was scarred, including my mind. Burn, oh baby burn.

Carlisle brought in two food trays, "Two?" I asked.

"Yea, one for you and one for me," Alice said. "I am having a dinner date with you. Everyone else is going to leave for a bit so we can spend some time with each other, is that okay with you?"

Of course! I missed my best friend so much. "Of course." I didn't want to sound too excited because once she realized how ruined I was she wouldn't want to be friends with me.

"Umm, Alice?" Edward asked.

"Yea?"

"Don't you think you should tell Dad something first?"

"Oh yea, Dad! You are going to be a grandpa!"

""Oh my, really?" He was smiling from ear to ear. "How far along are you?"

"About 14 weeks, we were going to wait for Bella to get out of the hospital but I had told her when she was unconscious and she remembered…"

Carlisle walked over to Alice, "Oh Alice! I am so happy for you two!" He gave her a huge hug, "Your mother is going to be upset that was is the last to know. But she will be so happy! I can see the shopping now!"

"Alright boys, out. I have some catching up to do with Bella!"

Jasper came and kissed Alice on the cheek before leaving.

Emmett did the same to me, "Take care Bella, I will be back tonight to check on you."

Edward came over and squeezed my hand and said good bye. He looked nervous.

Carlisle was the last to leave, "Bella, I'll be back in a bit. Alice, let me know if you need anything."

Alice brought my tray to me, it was a simple meal. Plain chicken, rice, and orange jello.

"I know it's not the best but Dad said your stomach isn't completely strong yet and we should start you on something easy. But don't worry I am eating the same! Morning sickness does not only happen in the morning and it certainly doesn't stop after the first trimester, no matter what the books say!" She smiled at me.

Alice talked, I listened. We both ate. I didn't feel hungry but I felt better once I was finished. My stomach handled the food surprisingly well. Alice told me a little bit of what she had been doing the last 10 years. She had gone to school for fashion design and now was in the process of releasing her first line called Isabella Summer, which apparently was a big hit. She had met Jasper at a medical convention that her Dad had dragged her to because her mom wasn't able to go. She said it was love at first sight, she just knew he was the one. They have been together now 5 years. He is 7 years older than him but it didn't matter, they loved each other. Burn, oh baby burn. I hoped it was the right way. Alice deserved the best. I knew I didn't. No one would even love me again the way Alice loved Jasper. No, burn baby burn. She didn't mention anything about anyone else, it was as if she was purposely avoiding it.

After a while my eyes started to droop, I was tired. I wanted sleep.

"I'm sorry Bella, I am talking your ear off. I'll let you rest. Do you need to use the bathroom before you go to sleep, I can get Rosalie for you?"

"No, just sleep." I felt Alice kiss me on the forehead and I fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

I dreamt of my Dad, I missed him. He told me that he loved me and that I would be safe from now on. He told me to listen to my brother and that I was a strong and beautiful woman.

When I woke up, my cheeks were wet. It was dark time. Emmett was sleeping on a chair and Edward was curled up on the couch, his feet hanging off the edge.

I wanted to go home; I didn't want to be here anymore.

I was no longer hooked up to any machines and there was no tubing connected to the IV in my arm. So I slowly crawled out of bed. I wish I could have said that I was a champ and I made it across the room with out difficulty but a few times I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I held onto the wall the whole way and I had to stop multiple times to catch my breath but I was determined.

I finally made it to my destination in what seemed to be hours later and out of breath. I reached down and tapped my brother on the shoulder, "Emmett." I whispered.

He didn't budge, I poked harder. "Emmett!" I spoke a little louder.

He woke with a jump, almost knocked me over, "Huh! What?"

He rubbed at his tired eyes, "Bella, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I want to…go…home." I was still out of breath.

"What?"

"I ww..want to…go home…I don't know where….that is right now…but I don't want to be here…anymore…" I told him.

"But Bella, you need to stay here for a little bit longer. You need to be stronger."

"No, please….Please Emmett…I…don't want to be here…anymore…." I pleaded.

"How bout we get you back to bed and we will talk to Carlisle in the morning, okay?"

"No! Please Emmett…now! I…want to leave…now!"

This woke Edward, "What's going on?"

At the same time my knees betrayed me and gave out. Emmett caught me before I knew what was happening. Edward rushed to my side too.

"See Bella, you are still very weak. Your body needs to build strength." Emmett scolded.

"No, Emmett. I don't want to be here, I want to feel the sunshine on my face," I cried.

Emmett was carrying me back to the bed, "Bella, please don't do this. It's just for a bit longer."

"I'll go get Carlisle," Edward informed us and slipped out the door.

Emmett laid me back down on the bed. Why wouldn't he let me leave? Was I being held captive here too? Burn. Oh Baby Burn. No. Please. I want to leave.

I rolled to my side, away from Emmett. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I was mad, hurt. He was supposed to be there for me, to help me. He was my brother.

I heard Carlisle speak then, "Emmett can I talk to you for a moment in the hall way? Edward will stay here with her."

I heard feet shuffling and doors opening and closing. Then Edward pulled up a chair to facing me and grabbed my hands with his.

"He cares about you Bella. Please don't be mad with him. He only wants what's best you."

I wasn't going to say anything but then something popped into my head "What about what I want?" My voice was raised.

He just sighed and started making small comforting circles with his fingers. We were silent until Emmett came back with Rosalie.

"Bella?" Emmett asked.

I didn't say anything.

"Bella listen, I talked to Carlisle and he is going to release you." He didn't seem pleased.

I sat up. I struggled but Edward helped me, "Really?"

"Yes, but there are stipulations."

My face fell. Burn. I knew it. I would be punished.

"Burn, I'm sorry! Forget I asked!"

"No, Bella. Nothing like that, no one is going to hurt you. But if Carlisle releases you, you have to stay with me."

"Oh. Well…I guess that is okay. I didn't really think about where I would go…I just…where do you live?"

"Well that's the thing….I live in Carlisle's house with everyone else."

"Everyone? Who is everyone?"

"Well obviously Carlisle and Esme and then Jasper and Alice. They are staying in the guest house that's in the back until their house is finished. And then Edward. And then me and Rosalie…"

"Rosalie?"

"Yea, Bella. Rosalie is my wife."

"Your wife? But she is my nurse?" My only nurse now that I really thought about it.

"Bella, I am a personal care nurse. We didn't want you to have to interact with a ton of different nurses and we wanted you to be able to build on your trust of others."

"So all of you?" I pointed around the room, "Are all connected in some way and no one felt the need to inform me? Carlisle was my Dad's best friend and Alice's Dad, Jasper is married to Alice, Rosalie is married to my brother and Edward once loved me! And no one felt the need to tell me!" I had to catch my breath.

"Bella, we didn't want to confuse you. So we kept the people that interacted with you limited. We also had to trust the people that interacted with you. We didn't want anymore harm to come to you." Edward explained.

I took a moment to process this. It should have made sense, I knew that. But I couldn't make sense of it. This 'circle' of people that had been helping me were all linked together somehow. They have seen me bare, have touched me, have watched me go to the bathroom, watched me lose my mind….

"Fine. Whatever, I want to leave. When can I leave?"

"Soon. But there is one more thing we need to explain to you before we leave okay?" Emmett started.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"If you leave and come home with us, you will not be allowed to be left alone for long periods of time."

"Why?"

Emmett hesitated, he was uncomfortable.

Edward answered instead, "Because you have episodes of altered mental status."

"What?" I don't remember.

"You have episodes where you are almost catatonic. You aren't aware of your surroundings and you could hurt yourself. You have hurt yourself. Sometimes you sleep for days without waking up, sometimes you go through the motions of things like eating and going to the bathroom, but you don't know what is going on around you. And even though you have gotten much better, we don't know when one of these episodes will happen."

"I'm sorry, I don't remember." Did I really do that? No. I don't remember. Oh.

"It's okay Bella, it's not your fault. But you have to understand, when you come home we are still going to be taking care of you. Rosalie will help you as she has helped you here and Carlisle will monitor your medications and physical therapy and you will have sessions with Jasper. I trust these people with my life and more importantly with your life. We want what is best for you, we lo…sorry. We care so much about you." Emmett told me.

I shivered. "It's okay."

"Do you understand all of this?"

"I think so, I am not sure. But I will do anything to leave here. I do have one question though."

"Okay?"

"What happened to our house? Did you sell it?"

"No, we still own it. I just rent it out. When Dad's cancer got really bad he was in a wheelchair so we had a ramp built in. Do you remember Angela and Ben from school?"

No, I don't. "No, sorry…"

"It's okay Bella, don't be sorry. But anyways, they had a child like 5 years ago and she has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair bound. They had lived in an apartment but her wheelchair didn't fit into the elevator and they were looking for a place in the country….so I offered to rent it to them for cheap to save them some money. Now Angela can stay home with her instead of working…"

"Okay but why do you still live with Carlisle?"

"I travel a lot with my job and Rosalie sometimes is gone weeks at a time with her job so Carlisle offered and we haven't left yet. I don't know if we will ever be able to leave Esme's cooking though…"he smiled. "So after everything we discussed do you still want to leave?"

"Absolutely. Now, please."

"Okay Bells, Rosalie is going to help you bathe and get some clothes and shoes on okay? Carlisle is working on the paperwork. It will be like another hour but then we can go home okay? I'll be back in a bit." Emmett said.

I nodded. I was going to be stuck with Rosalie seeing me naked. There wasn't anyway around it. I think I liked Rosalie. She was gentle. She didn't burn. Yet.

First Rosalie took my IV out and then Edward and Rosalie helped me into a wheelchair. Rosalie helped me bathe. I was slightly disappointed it wasn't a real bath but she did wash my hair. The shampoo container looked fancy, I eyed it carefully.

"Alice." She answered for me.

Of course, Alice. She would never let her friend use hospital issued shampoo and soap. Of course not.

I looked at Rosalie and the most horrific thought crossed my mind. She has seen my brother naked…Eww..

But I liked Rosalie, she hadn't hurt me yet and I knew I wasn't strong enough to do everything on my own. So if I had to choose someone to help me, it would be her, I thought. She was nothing like Barbara.

When we came back into the room, only Carlisle was present. The sun was starting to rise.

He smiled, still always smiling. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes, I feel like a prisoner here…" I whispered.

He knelt down to my level, "You were never a prisoner. I just want you to know it's going to be hard. You have been protected in this room, the real world can be overwhelming. And as Emmett already explained, you can't be left a lone for long periods of time."

"I'm not a child!"

"Dear, it's for your safety."

"I know but I feel like I keep being treated like a child….I understand I have episodes but I am not helpless…"

"Everyone knows that. You have a lot of people that care for you and want what is best for you. But you are going to have to follow some guidelines when it comes to eating and physical therapy and your medications. If you fall ill I will not hesitate to bring you back. I am not saying this as a threat Bella, I just can't say it enough about how much we care for you."

Did I have control or not? Was I allowed to make my own decisions, or not? I don't think so. But they were letting me leave. That's all I dare ask for, for now. Burn.

"Can I leave now?"

"Yes, Edward and Emmett are bringing the cars around now. Let's go."

He picked up 2 bags and the vase of flowers Alice had given me and Rosalie started to push me out the door. I hadn't seen outside of this room ever, at least not that I remembered. The last time I had been outside I almost died. But this was a new beginning. It had to be, God couldn't hate me that much, could he? Burn. Maybe. Here goes nothing.

A few people smiled at me, I tried to smile back but it made me nervous. I didn't know these people. They didn't know me. Would they hurt me? Burn. No. Burn, yes. Burn, love.

We took an elevator down and then went down a long hall way to a large entrance. Jasper, Emmett, and Edward were there talking.

"Hey Bells, ready to go?" He smiled at me but it was strained. I knew he wasn't happy that I was being discharged.

"Umm, yea…"

"Is it okay if Edward drives you home? I don't think you it will be very easy to get into my jeep," Emmett asked.

My cheeks flushed, "That's fine." I looked at the two vehicles in front of me. One was a massive jeep that I would probably need a step stool just to get into and the other was a very sleek, shiny, black car.

"Me and Rosalie will be right behind you."

"Oh, okay. That's fine." I was starting to become nervous. I so badly wanted to leave but now I wanted to go back.

"I can't do this." I whispered. Air in, air out. Air in, Air out. Black, burn. Spots, burn. The fog, damn you. No.

"Bella," It was Edward, my face between his hands. "Look at me."

I did, Air in Air out.

"Repeat after me. I am safe."

"I am safe."

"My name is Bella Swan."

"My name is Bella Swan." The fog was pulling harder, no. Please. They won't let me leave for sure if I freak out.

"I am leaving the hospital so I can go home."

"I am leaving the hospital so I can go home." Fog is lifting, I can do this.

"I am strong."

"I am strong." Clearer.

"I am safe."

"I am safe." Air in, air out. I am okay.

"You okay?" Edward asked.

"Yea thanks."

I looked at Emmett, he looked mad. "I'm sorry!"

He relaxed, "No Bella, you didn't do anything wrong. Let's get going so we can get you settled in. I bet Esme can't wait to see you." He smiled but I knew it was not a true smile. I let it go.

I was assisted into the car by Carlisle and Emmett.

Jasper and Edward were talking to each other, both of their faces strained.

Carlisle buckled me and Emmett kissed me on the cheek, "We will be right behind you."

I had realized then that Emmett had been kissing me on the cheek for awhile. I was proud of myself that it didn't scare me. It was like second nature, comforting. I could do this.

Edward got in and buckled up, "You ready?"

"You have no idea."

He chuckled.

Carlisle and Jasper waved good bye and we were off.

I was amazed at how nice this car was. It was so classy and sleek.

"You have a very nice car," I told Edward.

"Well I will tell Carlisle that, it's his."

"What? But how will he get home?" I worried.

"Jasper is going to bring him home, they both get off their shifts in a few hours."

"Oh." I fidgeted with my hands.

"Bella, relax. Everything is going to be fine."

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to talk about my worries, fears, my scarred body, my ruined mind.

"Do you have a car?" I asked him, to get the subject off of me.

"Yea, a Lexus."

"What kind is this?"

"A Mercedes."

"Do you have a job?"

"Yes." But he didn't offer any other information.

"What do you do?"

He hesitated, "I work for the F.B.I."

"The F.B.I? Really?" Then I remembered, Agent Cullen to Agent Swan. "Does Emmett work for them too?"

"Yes."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, why would it be bad thing?"

"You are being pretty quiet about it."

"Because Emmett wanted to explain all of this to you."

"You found me though."

"Yes."

"How?"

"By accident, thank God."

"By accident? How?"

"Bella, please. Emmett will talk to you about this more, right now let's focus on you."

"Fine." I crossed my arms across my chest and pouted. Why wasn't I suppose to know how I was found? I don't understand.

After a long silence I asked, "Are you married?"

He chuckled, "No."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No." This made my heart flutter.

"Do you have any kids?"

"Not that I know of."

"Is that a joke?" I wondered.

"Yes Bella. Sorry, it was lame." He looked nervous and was watching intently at the road.

"No it was okay. I just sometimes don't pick up on sarcasm. So I couldn't tell if you were making a joke or not."

Another period of silence.

"A lot of loving time burned because I couldn't read people correctly." I whispered.

I watched as Edwards expression turned hard and then he relaxed. He looked like he was contemplating on saying something or not.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked carefully.

No one had asked me a direct question like that. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Would he be mad? Burn. Would he hurt me?

"Umm…I…"

"You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to." He grabbed my hand and squeezed. "But if you do want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. No one will get mad at you for the things you say, I promise. And no one will hurt you."

"Umm…well this one day Joseph had a friend over. His name was James I think. Joseph was telling him how obedient I was and Joseph would tell me to do something and I would do it. I didn't want to be punished, burn baby burn. Well James thought it would be funny if he told me to lick his boot. But as I went down to do it, he kicked me in the face and told me he was just kidding. He was being sarcastic. He told me he had just spent hours shining his boots and if I messed them up, I would pay for it, burn. After he left, loving time burned. Joseph said it was because I made his friend mad. He said that I was stupid if I couldn't tell when someone was being sarcastic." A tear fell down my cheek.

Edward pulled the car to a stop, we were in front of the house. I didn't even remember turning onto the long driveway. I saw Emmett's headlights not too far behind us.

"Bella, look at me."

I did. Burn, oh baby burn.

"That will never happen again, I promise you. No one will ever touch you like that, no one will ever hurt you. You are safe, do you understand that?"

"I want to. And sometimes I think I do know that but then sometimes I forget."

"That's normal sweetie."

"Could you maybe remind me sometimes?"

"I will tell you that you are safe a million times a day if it helps."

"Thank you."

"Here comes Emmett, are you ready?"

"Yes, more than ever."

I knew that this road was going to be difficult but it wouldn't be as bad as the last 10 years of my life. And that is what would keep me going. I hoped.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! I am thinking the next chapter or the one after we will find out how Bella was found and more about Emmett's and Edward's jobs. Again, reviews are always appreciated!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Just wanted to let you know I do not know the in's and outs of the F.B.I so the information may not be correct. Just take it for what it is. Thanks! Enjoy!**

Seeing Esme had been an eventful moment. Emmett had brought the wheelchair with him something I had been unaware of. I was instructed I would be using it until I was strong enough to use a walker. I didn't think I need either but I was out of the hospital so I didn't argue.

As soon as I had rolled through the doorway, Esme was waiting. I recognized her right away. She had come over and gave me a hug. I cried. And when I said I cried, I mean I bawled. And sobbed. And sobbed some more. I hadn't realized I had needed her so much. At some point, I was lifted to the couch where I laid my head in Esme's lap. She played with my hair and sang to me, all the while I sobbed. I must have fallen asleep at some point.

Now it was light time and I was in an unfamiliar room, lying in a soft, warm bed and I had no idea how I had gotten here. I didn't recognize this room from before. It was very large and bright. White and lavenders plastered the walls and furniture. This room was definitely new to me. There was a large couch against the far wall. Emmett was curled up on it, snoring. I had no idea where anyone else was.

I had to use the bathroom. No, you wait. No, I need to go. Toilet time, burn. Stop. Deep breath. Yes, I need to go to the bathroom. I could see a door that looked like it led to a bathroom. It wasn't very far away from the bed. I felt strong, determined.

Emmett was still snoring, he was probably very tired. I didn't want to wake him up. I slowly started to swing my legs over the side of the bed. I took a moment before I carefully stood up. Good. I felt good. I held onto the wall and slowly made it to the open door. I had been right, it was a bathroom. I was slowly starting to get out of breath. No, I would make it. I had to. Emmett would be so mad if I didn't make it, burn. I made my way to the toilet and pulled down my sweatpants. I was in the same clothes Rosalie had put me in when we left the hospital, minus the sweatshirt. I now just had the white tank top on that was underneath. I sat there feeling accomplished but even after I was done peeing I still sat there. I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to wash my hands and make it back.

When I felt ready, I stood up pulling my pants to my waist. I made my way over to the sink and washed my hands. Only when I looked up, I noticed the mirror. The girl that stared back at me was frightening.

"Who are you?" I whispered.

I was ugly and scarred. Ruined. I took the washcloth that lie on the sink and wet it. I wiped at my face, trying to erase _him_ from me. I scrubbed at my arms. But the marks wouldn't go away. I had never felt so dirty.

Scrub, scrub, harder, scrub. Tears, no. Please. Stop. I was running out of steam. I lowered myself to the floor and tried to wipe away the scars, the filth, the shame.

Scrub, scrub, scrub. Harder. Burn, no. Get off of me! Stop.

"Bella?" I heard Emmett's voice but I couldn't answer him. Scrub, Scrub…off…wash…dirty. Ruined.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Someone was shaking my shoulders slightly.

"Dirt…filthy. Ruined, I can't get him off of me!" I screamed, scrub, Harder.

Someone grabbed at my wrists, forcing me to stop scrubbing. I looked up, it was Carlisle.

"Bella, you are safe. He can't touch you anymore."

"But he is still on me! He ruined me! He made me ugly!" Air in, air out.

"You are not ugly and you are not ruined. You are a beautiful and strong."

"No!" I screamed at him, he didn't understand. Air in, air in, air in, air out, air in, air in, air in, air out.

I couldn't catch my breath. No, please. I don't want to give in.

I noticed Jasper walk in and crouch down next to Carlisle.

"I'm…ssorry…burn….no….I…can't" I see a pill bottle and a syringe in his hands.

"No…burn…please….stop…no…." The fog is creeping in.

"Bella, you are safe." He held up a little white pill. "I am going to put this under your tongue, its just medicine to help you catch your breath, okay?"

"No…burn…no…"I shook my head. The fog was winning, I was losing control. Burn, oh baby, burn.

"Bella, please. It will help, I promise." Carlisle encouraged, he still had a hold of my wrists.

"No please, burn!"

"Would you like me to give her the sedative?" I heard Jasper ask Carlisle.

"No, please! Loving time, burn, oh baby burn, no!"

"Bella, no one is burning you. Please let Jasper give you the medicine, it will help."

"I'm sss…ssorrryy…"

"Open your mouth sweetheart," instructed Jasper.

The fog was overwhelming so I did as he asked. He placed something under my tongue, "Go ahead and close your mouth. Let it completely dissolve and focus on your breathing. Deep breaths, slow and easy."

Air in, air in, air out. Air in, air in, air out. Breathe Bella. As I did this, all I could think was that Alice cared for this man, unconditionally. You saw it in her eyes when she spoke about him. He was going to be the father of her child. I needed to learn to trust him, if only because Alice did.

I don't know how long all three of us sat there while I tried to calm down but eventually I was able to catch my breath and the fog cleared. I was still shaky and slightly anxious but I was in control.

"I'm sorry," I was embarrassed.

"Bella, you have nothing to be sorry about," Jasper said.

"Please don't send me back!"

"We aren't going to send you back to the hospital, this is a normal reaction to the situation Bella. We will only take you back to the hospital if you fall ill and we are unable to treat you here, okay?" Carlisle placed his hand on my shoulder.

I nodded.

"I'm going to pick you up and carry you back to bed okay?"

I nodded again, I wasn't scared. I was in my happy place. Carlisle put me back into bed and covered me up, I closed my eyes. I didn't go to sleep, I was just enjoying the calmness of my mind.

"I told you she wasn't ready!" Screamed Emmett.

"Emmett, keep your voice down. She's fine. This was expected both at the hospital and out. It was handled no different if she would have been at the hospital."

"But she hurt herself," Emmett said much quieter.

I did? I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

"She just aggravated her skin, she will be fine. We will put some ointment on her arms and everything will be okay. I have already told you and Bella this but I will remind you again. If she falls ill to the point that we are unable to treat her here, I will not hesitate to recommend her going back to the hospital. Even if it's in the mental capacity and would require more extensive psychiatric care we will get her the help she needs. But right now I believe we can handle this at home. It was her decision and it was a big one, that is a big step and you should be proud of her."

Proud? Why is that something to be proud of? I don't understand.

"I am proud of her, so proud. I just want to make sure we are doing everything we can for her."

"I believe we are Emmett."

"I'm sorry Carlisle; I know you wouldn't jeopardize her health."

"Don't worry about it. It's hard on all of us, we all need to heal."

I was hurting them. Burn. Good night.

* * *

When I woke again, I could hear arguing outside my door.

"I'm telling you now Edward, it is my recommendation to wait…"

"It's out of my hands Jasper!"

"She has barely been home for 16 hours! She barely remembers her family but you want her to recall the last 10 years of her life!"

No, I didn't want to talk about it Jasper was standing up for me.

"It won't be like that. If it is I'll put a stop to it!"

"Then why can't you stop it right now!"

"We found her by accident, we weren't there looking for her. We were there for possible gun trafficking. They need to speak to her so they can build the case, it's been over 3 months already."

"I can't believe you are saying it like that. I thought you loved her, you of all people know how delicate this whole thing is, how delicate she is. Do you want to be the cause of another three week catatonic episode, or even longer? She can't even hear the word love without shaking, she puts the word burn randomly in her sentences without realizing it and she feels this man ruined her completely. She is barely hanging on and you just want to throw her overboard!"

"Jasper, you know I love her with everything I have. I would not do anything to harm her but like I said before, it's out of my hands. I was assured that they only want to ask a few questions to confirm that she was there against her will…"

He loves me, burn. No, there is a right way to love. Burn, oh burn baby. No.

"You think she wanted that?!"

I jumped at the booming voice of Jasper. I had never heard him speak like that.

"Absolutely not! But they need to hear it from her…"

"You don't think the pictures say enough?"

Pictures? What pictures?

"They need her to say it…"

"I just don't get it. They are dead, what case is there? It's over!"

"It's so much more complicated than that and I can't get into it."

"What does Emmett think about this?" asked Jasper curiously. He was no longer yelling but his voice was raised.

"It's out of his hands too. He obviously isn't happy about it."

"You are going to go in there and ask her."

"What?"

"You are going to go in there and explain to her what is going on and then ask her if she wants to talk to them. The F.B.I may think they can control you and Emmett but they don't control her. Because Emmett has power of attorney over her they think they can manipulate him but if she refuses to talk to them, I will stand by her."

Power of attorney? Over me? I didn't know what that meant.

"Emmett wanted to explain everything to her."

"Well then go find Emmett because no one is talking to her until you or Emmett explain everything. And if she does agree, I will be in the room with her. Not you or Emmett, I am not easily persuaded by the big and scary F.B.I. I will put a stop to it if need be."

"We would do the same."

"Yes but I can't be terminated or suspended. You can and Bella would not be happy to find out you both lost your jobs because of her."

No definitely not. I would not be happy at all. Burn, baby burn.

I heard shuffling feet and I wasn't sure what I was to do. So I pretended to be asleep when Edward and Emmett came into my room.

"Bella, are you awake?" Edward asked.

Should I tell them? Let them know I was?

"Bella, its okay. I'm sure all the yelling already woke you up." I felt Emmett sit down next to the bed.

How did everyone know when I was awake?

I opened up my eyes, "Sorry."

"So what did you hear?"

"A lot but I don't understand most of it." I answered honestly.

Edward stayed back and took a seat on the couch.

"So Edward said you were asking about how you were found and why the F.B.I was there. You already know that we work for the F.B.I"

I nodded, "Yes, but he wouldn't tell me anymore."

"That's because I asked him to let me tell you, Bells. After you were taken, everyone did everything they could to help find you. Your disappearance made national news and thousands of people helped search for you. But obviously as you know, we weren't able to find you. After graduation both Edward and I joined the military and from there we were sought out by the F.B.I. I won't get into much detail of that, if you have questions later I will answer them for you. But let's just say I am actually more intelligent than I look," he joked. "We never gave up looking for you. Edward and I actually utilized some of the resources through the F.B.I to still continue the search but it was a dead end. You had gone into that gas station that night and you never came out. No one saw anything and they didn't have any working security cameras. It was like you disappeared into thin air."

I shivered as I remembered that night. Joseph had told me that his girlfriend had been in the bathroom for a very long time and asked if I could check on her. He didn't look threatening at the time and so I obliged. He followed right behind me and then everything went black.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Emmett asked, "You sorta just zoned out for a moment." He looked worried, he thought I was having another episode.

"Oh, sorry. Yea, continue."

"Well like Edward told you, it was a complete accident that we found you. Joseph had been under our radar for gun trafficking."

"Gun trafficking?"

"Yea, he was selling illegal guns and weapons to foreign countries."

"Wow, I didn't think he was that smart."

Edward sighed, "He wasn't."

"He was the front man, the face of the operation but he never made a decision. Everything he did, he was directed to do." Emmett explained further.

"Oh."

"We had his cabin surrounded, there was no way out for him so he shot Barbra and then turned the gun on himself. Edward was part of the team that was searching for other people in the area outside the cabin and found you."

"Outside of the shed." After loving time, he said I was worthless, garbage. And that I needed to be treated like trash. The memory is foggy, it was an extremely bad loving time. I remember death was coming for me and that I was okay with it. I would finally be in peace, be with my Father. But it didn't happen that way.

"Yes."

"So why is Jasper so upset?"

"Our supervisor, Aro, wants to ask you a few questions." Emmett gritted his teeth.

"But why?"

"Because we need to know the basics of what happened. We don't know if he has done this to anyone else, they need to hear it from you that you were held against your will."

There was a long silence. I didn't want to make anyone mad. But I didn't want to talk about what happened either.

"I don't know what to say…"

"Just answer the best you can. No one will be mad at you for what you say. Just tell the truth the best you can."

"Okay."

"Are you willing to talk to them?" Emmett asked, just above a whisper.

"Umm…I guess." Burn, oh baby burn. I needed to do what people wanted me to do.

Edward stood up and tugged on his hair, "I'll go call Aro and let Jasper know." He didn't look happy.

After he left, Emmett grabbed my hands. "I am going to have Esme bring you up something to eat and get you changed. I'll be back up in a bit to bring you downstairs, okay?"

"Yea." I had no idea what to expect but I would do what Emmett needed me to do, burn, love. I didn't want him or Edward to get in trouble.

* * *

Esme and Rosalie had both come upstairs. I ate a small meal and then they both helped me into a change of clothes and helped brush my teeth. I didn't look in the mirror again.

Shortly after, Emmett had come and helped me downstairs. The Cullen's had an elevator. I didn't remember them having an elevator. I didn't ask. I was taken into the living room where the tension was thick. When Emmett pushed me through the entry way Edward was pacing the floors and Jasper sat on the couch with a stressed look. I didn't know where everyone else was.

The door bell rang. My heart started pounding in my chest, air in, air out. I focused on my breathing. Edward left to go answer the door, I looked down at my fidgeting hands. I heard multiple foot steps coming towards us.

I didn't look back up until I heard my name, "Bella, this is Aro and this is…"

"James," I said. My heart stopped, I think. At least it felt like it.

Everyone froze, all the color drained from James's face.

"You're F.B.I?" I whispered.

All eyes went to James. He didn't say anything, he looked terrified.

"Bella, do you know him?" Jasper asked me.

James looked like he was about to bolt from the room.

"I begged you…" I whispered.

I could feel the adrenaline pump through my veins as I stood up, "I begged you! I begged and begged and begged you! But you wouldn't help me! You left me there! Burn, love, burn! You hurt me and you left me!" I screamed, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Then everything happened at once. Carlisle, who I hadn't realized was in the room, and Jasper stepped in front of Emmett. I guess to stop him from attacking someone but he wasn't the one who had needed stopped.

In one split moment Edward had his gun pulled and pointed at James, "Get on your fucking knees now!"

James turned to run but Edward was faster. He grabbed a hold of James and slammed his face against the wall. Edward had one of James's arms in a tight hold behind his back and his gun up to James's temple.

"Tell me one good fucking reason I shouldn't blow your head off right now!"

"I didn't know it was her! I'm sorry! I didn't know!" James begged.

"You never said anything about any other females besides Barbara at the cabin! I should just fucking shoot you right now!" Edward screamed and spit into his ear.

I just watched the scene before me, frozen.

Emmett walked over to them and placed his hand on Edward's shoulder, "Brother, don't. He isn't worth it. Prison will take care of him but you don't need to go to jail for some piece of shit like this."

I could see the conflict in Edward's eyes.

"Edward, please don't." I whispered. I didn't want him to go to jail. "Please."

Edward's eyes snapped to mine, "Please Edward." I begged.

"He hurt you, Bella."

"Yes, he did. But I need you here, I need you with me."

"Come on Edward, lower your gun," Emmett pulled out his cuffs.

Edward let go and Emmett cuffed James and then threw him to the floor.

"I'm sorry about all of this, I had no idea. We will question her at a different time," Explained Aro.

He helped James to his knees, then punched him square in the face.

"Police brutality!" James screamed.

"Ha, I doubt that. I think you were resisting arrest? Isn't that what you saw?" He asked Emmett and Edward. The both nodded in agreement.

Aro brought James to his feet and drug him away. Edward followed them.

"Bella, how bout we go sit down?" Jasper held onto my elbow.

I nodded in agreement; I was suddenly feeling very shaky.

After I was seated, Jasper crouched down in front of me. He placed 2 fingers inside of my wrist. I looked at him questionably.

"I am just checking your pulse. How are you feeling?"

"Umm…I don't know."

"I am so sorry Bells, I had no idea that you would know James…" Emmett apologized.

"It's not your fault."

"Nice, easy breaths Bella." Jasper reminded me.

Edward walked back into the room, Jasper stood up and Edward took his spot in front of me.

He grabbed my hands into his, "I am so sorry Bella!"

"You didn't know Edward."

"Was he the same James's from the story you told me in the car?"

"What story?" Emmett questioned.

I nodded.

Edward ignored Emmett "Did you meet him more than that one time?"

I nodded.

"Did he hurt you other than that time from the story?"

A tear fell, I nodded.

"You didn't know he was F.B.I?"

No. I shook my head, "I knew he was some type of police officer or something. I had seen his badge and I begged him to help me. But…he wouldn't….he just laughed…."

"Is this an official questioning Edward?" Jasper snapped.

"Jasper, unlike Joseph and Barbara, James is alive! We need to know what to charge him with! He needs to rot in hell but I can't make that happen unless I know what he did!" He snapped back.

"Bella, I just have one more question for now…." Edward hesitated, "Bella, did James rape you?"

A sob escaped, a tear fell and I nodded.

"Mother fucker," Emmett swore under his breath.

Air in, air out. Burn, oh burn, Love, burn.

"I'm sorry!" The fog, creeping in, always creeping. No.

"Bella, it's okay…you are safe…."

"No, burn! You don't get it…no no no…no…burn…love…burn!"

"Bella, repeat after me…" Edward instructed.

"No, you don't get it! I'm done, I don't want…want to feel…the end."

This time I begged for the fog, this time I let it win. This time, I welcomed it with open arms and an open mind.

The last thing I heard was Emmett scream, "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" And then something shattered. The end.

**A/N: This is not the end of the story I promise, even though it ends The End. So most of you are enjoying the Bella POV. I may try a different POV in the next chapter. I am not sure yet but most of the story will be through Bella's eyes. I hope you enjoyed! Reviews make me feel happy :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This chapter is in Edward's POV. Please let me know if you hate it or love it! It's a little short but I wanted to get a new chapter out and real life is kicking my butt! Please review, enjoy!**

EPOV

"Edward! Edward!"

I was in my Father's study, reading on post traumatic stress disorder, when I heard Alice's frantic screams. She swung open the door just as I stood up.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Bella...fell. She…she fell or passed out or I don't know but there's blood and just come…"

I ran past her and crossed the hall to Bella's room. Inside the bathroom Bella was curled up in a ball, lying next to the bath tub, shaking and mumbling. She was covered with a towel and her hair was wet. Blood was seeping through the towel and onto the floor. My mom was standing next to her, unsure of what to do.

"What happened?" I asked before I approached Bella.

"Umm…we were helping her bathe just like usual and when she stood up she got a terrified look on her face. I don't know if she was aware but it was different than she had been. She started to freak out and slipped in the tub or passed out…I am not sure. She won't let us near her, I was able to get the towel over her but that was it," my Mom explained.

"Did she hit her head?"

"I'm not sure, I'm sorry."

I crouched down next to Bella carefully, "Bella, sweetie. Can you tell me if you are alright?"

"Burn, oh baby burn….please…burn…stop….please…I'm sorry…." She mumbled but wouldn't look at me.

"I am assuming she is bare under this towel?"

My mom nodded.

"Bella, honey. I need to make sure you are okay. I promise I am not going to hurt you."

"No…burn…please…burn…no,no,no…"

I started with her head, back and neck, she didn't seem to have any lumps or to be in any pain. So I carefully tried to roll her onto her back.

She grabbed at my hands and opened her eyes, 'Please no, please…burn…" She had blood coming from her mouth but she was definitely in a different mental capacity than she had been in the last two weeks.

"Honey look at me, it's me Edward. I need to make sure you are okay, alright?"

She closed her eyes and didn't say anything.

"Mom, can you get me a warm washcloth?"

She hurried herself and brought it to me. I knew I had to take this very slow or Bella could end up hurting herself further.

"Bella, I am going to wipe your face a little bit to see where the blood is coming from." I wiped at her mouth, clearing the blood and started to touch her mouth, I felt Bella start to shake.

"Shh Bella, it's okay, you're safe. I think you just split your lip, are you hurting any where?"

A sob escaped but she didn't answer me. Her eyes were still closed.

"Edward, I think she is bleeding from her leg," my Mom told me quietly.

"What did she hit when she fell?"

"The faucet."

"Okay, Bella I am going to look at your leg. I promise I will not hurt you. You are safe."

Still no response.

I slowly lifted the towel, Bella shivered. I inspected her leg, she had a deep cut near her groin, close to her femoral artery. The scar from her central line still red, the scar that will fade but be present for the rest of her life. But that was nothing compared to the other scars her body wore.

I asked Alice, who had been silent this entire time, to go get me the first aid kit from the downstairs bathroom.

I took the washcloth and applied pressure to her leg.

"Ahh! Please no, burn! Please! I'm sorry! Please! No!" Bella screamed as she sat straight up, trying to swat away my hands.

I placed my hand on her shoulder, "Bella, you are safe. You fell and hurt your leg and it is probably painful but I am not hurting you on purpose. I have to apply pressure so the bleeding stops." She stopped pushing me away but just stared at her leg. In her attempt to sit up, the towel completely had fallen off of her. She realized this and tried to cover herself up with her hands.

Alice returned then with the first aid kit, "Are you able to fix it?"

I shook my head, "No, it's too deep and too close to her artery. Alice can you please call Dad and let him know we are going to be coming to the hospital? Try to get a hold of Emmett too…I think Rosalie took him to the diner."

She nodded and scurried off, she was visibly upset.

Bella started to shake harder, "Mom can you try to find a long shirt or nightgown to put on her?"

"I'll right back."

"Bella, will you look at me?" She slowly peeled her eyes away from the blood and looked at me.

"Do you remember where you are?" I asked her as I applied a bandage to her leg.

"No, burn baby burn. Please don't burn…"

"Can you tell me your name?"

"I am no one."

I sighed, "Your name is Isabella Marie Swan. You are at my house. Your brother Emmett lives here with you too. Do you know my name?"

"Cullen, no. I know no one."

"You're right, my name is Edward Cullen."

I thought I saw a spark of recognition in her eye but it quickly disappeared. Esme came back into the bathroom with the night gown and handed it to me.

Bella was staring at her arms that were covering her chest, "Bella, sweetie, I am going to put this shirt on you, so I need you to lift your arms away from your chest. She closed her eyes and brought her arms to her side. I tear fell and my heart broke. Before I put her shirt on I noticed a bruise starting to form on the right side of her abdomen. I didn't mention anything but put it on my mental list of injuries that would need assessed at the hospital.

After I put the shirt on I had told her that we were going to go to the hospital.

"No, no, no! Please, no burn!" She grabbed onto my shirt and wouldn't let go. "Please help me! Please! Save me! No, burn….I don't want any more loving time, please help!"

"Bella, no one is going to hurt you. You are safe. I am going to pick you up and we are going to get into my car. Mom, can you go get the car ready? Do you think you will be able to drive?"

"Of course."

"Grab her Ativan on the way to the car, just in case." I had a feeling we were going to need it.

I lifted Bella, bridal style as she clung to my shirt.

"I…no….please…help….burn…." she was starting to hyperventilate.

I grabbed a clean washcloth from the counter and went downstairs into the car. We weren't able to get Bella to let go of me to sit her in the care normally. So as my Mom drove, Bella sat in the back with me, on my lap.

"Nice and easy breathes Bella. You are safe, I promise. I am going to wipe your mouth, your lip is still bleeding a little bit." I carefully wiped at her mouth while discreetly slipping an Ativan under her tongue.

"Shh, my sweet girl. No one is going to hurt you, you are safe Bella."

She still held my shirt tightly in her hands and was hyperventilating. The Ativan eventually kicked in and her breathing slowed.

"Is she alright Edward?" my Mom asked once Bella's quieted down.

"Yea, I gave her Ativan."

"I am so sorry Edward. Emmett is never going to forgive me. One second she was fine and the next she just lost it…"

"Mom, it's not your fault. Emmett is not going to blame you or Alice. It was an accident and we cannot predict what Bella's mind will do."

I know my mom was driving faster than the speed limit but it still seemed like forever until we made it to the hospital. When we arrived, both Jasper and Carlisle were waiting for us at the front door.

Even though Bella was calm, almost asleep with her head on my shoulder, she still had a death grip on my shirt. I carried her to the entrance of the hospital while my mom parked the car.

"Son, what happened?" my Dad asked.

"Esme and Alice were helping her bathe. They said when they stood her up to get her out she got a terrified look on her face and started to get very upset. They said it was different from her episodes in the last two weeks. She seemed more aware but she slipped and fell. She has a deep gash near her groin that will probably need stitches and there is bruising on her right side of her abdomen. Her lip is bleeding and swollen, I think she bit it when she fell." I told them as we walked into an empty room in the ER.

"She's very calm." Jasper noted.

"I had to give her an Ativan to get her here. She doesn't remember her name or me or anything."

"Really?" Jasper sounded shocked.

I nodded, "When I asked her her name she said she was no one. She didn't know where she was but she knew my last name but wasn't too sure of herself."

"Interesting."

"Alright son, lay her down on the gurney. I am going to go get Carmen to help us."

I tried to lay her down but she wouldn't let go of my shirt, "Bella, you are safe. I am going to put you on a bed, remember no one is going to hurt you." She slowly let go of my shirt and I placed her carefully on the bed but she grabbed for my hand.

She slowly opened her eyes, "I'm sorry, please don't burn. It hurts, it hurts" It was barely a whisper.

"No one is going to burn you, I promise. You are safe. I know it hurts sweetie but we are here to make it better." She could barely keep her eyes open but kept a hold of my hand.

By the time Carlisle and Carmen came back she was asleep.

Carmen introduced herself and then started busying herself with Bella's vitals.

Jaspers cell phone went off, "It's Rosalie, they will be here in about five minutes. I will go explain what happened."

My Dad thanked him and he left.

"Carmen, can you grab me a gown? I am just going to cut her shirt off so we don't cause any further discomfort." I turned my head out of respect. Even though I had seen all of Bella on more than one occasion, even before she was kidnapped, it didn't feel right unless there was a necessity for it. Carlisle began his exam starting with her head and working his way down. He exposed her abdomen, it looked worse than before.

"I am going to order a CT scan to make sure that this is just bruising. I don't believe there is any internal bleeding but I want to make sure." Carmen was typing the information into a computer.

He started to cut away at the bandage and inspected the injury on her leg, "One inch the wrong way she could have hit her artery. Do you know what she hit?"

"Mom said she hit the faucet." Bella started to move. "Shhh…sweet girl, it's okay. You are safe…."

"Edward?" She opened her eyes.

"Yes, I'm here."

"Wh…what happened?"

But before I could answer her she started to feel the pain, "Oh! It burns! Stop, it burns!"

"Bella you fell and cut your leg…"

"No! It burns, not my leg! Between my legs! It burns!"

"Carmen can you get an IV set up and give her some pain medication." Carlisle instructed.

She nodded and left the room.

"Bella, honey you are fine. I know it hurts but I promise it's your leg. Because of the burnt tissue from before your sensation is off. Look…."

She darted her eyes towards her leg, "It hurts! Make it stop!"

"Bella, we are going to give you something for the pain but we are going to start an IV first," Carlisle tried to explain.

"No! It burns, make it stop! Please, Edward, help me! Burn oh baby burn!"

"Bella, you are safe. You fell and cut your leg, the nurse is going to come in and give you something to help with the pain but please slow your breathing…I promise you are safe…"

She looked at me with sad eyes but she listened. She slowed her breathing down and calmed herself. She didn't say anymore but she allowed Carmen to come in and start the IV. A few minutes after the pain medication kicked in she was asleep.

My Father quickly stitched her leg up and the CT scan was done. Within three hours we were on our way home. Even in Bella's medicated state she still would only allow me to pick her up to take her to the car. Emmett insisted we go home in his car, so Bella lay in the back with her head on my lap.

When we arrived home I placed Bella in bed and Rosalie changed her into her night clothes. I headed to the porch for some fresh air. I was losing it, I couldn't catch my breath. I knew what this was, a panic attack. I just couldn't believe I was having one. I had had them for years after Bella went missing, I just never told anyone. I tried to slow my breathing, which I accomplished but only to start crying. I heard the screen door open.

"I was wondering when this would happen."

I looked up, it was Jasper. He handed me a beer, "Doctors orders."

I wiped away my tears, "Thank you." I cracked open the beer and took a long swig.

There was a long silence before anyone said anything.

It was Jasper who broke the silence, "How long?"

I took another swig, I knew what he was asking without him saying it. "For about 4 years after she was taken. It's been almost 6 years since I have had one." He knew I had these before, must be a doctors intuition.

"Ever tell anyone about them?"

"No."

"You know it's nothing to be ashamed of, right?"

I didn't answer him so he continued.

"It's really not fair of them." He said simply.

"What? Who?"

"Alice and Emmett. They naturally lean on you for a lot, even your parents. You're Alice's brother, Emmett's best friend, Carlisle and Esme's oldest son, the big bad F.B.I. agent. But at the end of the day, Emmett goes home to Rosalie, Alice to me, Carlisle to Emse…where does that leave you?"

"I'm fine." I took the last swig from my beer, it was empty. Jasper handed me another one. I chugged that one completely down. He handed me another. I didn't know if he was trying to get me drunk or not but it was working. I hadn't had a drink since I had started in the F.B.I almost four years ago.

"Of course you are fine. It was just some silly teenage romance. Why would you care about what happens to her?"

I had Jasper by the shirt collar, "What the fuck, Jasper? What are you doing? It wasn't some silly romance! You know I love that girl up there more than anything else in the world! How can you fucking say that?"

My Father opened the door, "Everything alright out here?"

"We're fine, thanks Carlisle," Jasper answered.

I let go of him, "I'm sorry, Jasper."

"It's alright, I was trying to get a reaction out of you."

"Is this some fucking psychoanalysis? I'm not interested."

"No, Edward. This is a friend talking to a friend." He held up another beer, I took it.

"She trusts you," he said.

"Huh?"

"She trusts you. She probably doesn't even realize she is doing it but she is drawn to you. She listens to you, she lets you touch her, she touches you. When another man touches her she flinches or draws back. I know she wants to trust Emmett and even Carlisle but it's a subconscious reaction. With you though, she is comfortable."

Another long silence.

"I thought she was dead."

Pause.

"When I found her by the shed, I thought she was dead. She was dead. She was so small, fragile. It only took me one look at her face to know who it was. I didn't have time to feel, I just did what I was trained to do. It felt like my heart stopped along with hers. And it didn't restart until hers did. I have worked on a lot of abuse victims but it was different with her. Do you know how horrible it is to do CPR on someone you love, someone you thought you would never see again? I have never seen someone so tortured. I don't know how she survived. If it would have been me, I would have given up a long time ago, it should have been me…"

"It's not your fault that this happened Edward. You have to stop blaming yourself. She is strong, one of the strongest people I have ever met. She is fighting all the odds that are against her and there are many. You have to be thankful for the present, she is safe. She has her family back, she has you. You have to stop being an agent, I know your trying to protect yourself but you need to be just Edward."

"Thank you Jasper, I needed this."

"That's what friends are for. But on a professional note, if your panic attacks start to be a frequent thing, please promise me you will come to me? Even if it's just for a referral to someone else?"

I nodded, I would probably agree to anything right now. I was starting to feel all warm and fuzzy.

My Father and Emmett walked out onto the porch, Carlisle had a bottle of scotch in his hands. Emmett had four glasses in his.

"How is she doing?" I asked.

"She is asleep, Esme and Rosalie are going to stay with her for a bit," Emmett answered.

Emmett handed us all a glass and my Dad poured each of us a drink, "Father's orders."

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"That's the plan," he smirked.

It was a nice time on that porch, the four of us, talking and relieving stress. All grateful that Bella was back. We knew it was going to be a long recovery for all of us but it was all worth it when we had each other. Unfortunately life didn't stop once Bella disappeared and we all had a lot of healing to do too.

The last thing I remember was being semi-carried up to my room by Emmett and Jasper. They denied it but I think they dropped me a few times because I woke up with a few bruises. I fell asleep with happy memories of Bella and a smile on my face for the first time in 10 years.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been two weeks since I had fallen in the bathroom. It also had been two weeks since I have left my bedroom. Jasper has spoken words of post-traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. But no, I am just angry. And confused and lost,burn. I was told after James had left the house with Aro, I had relapsed into a catatonic state once more. I shivered at the thought of James. I would have bursts of rage but then sit completely dormant for many hours after. I vaguely remember falling in the tub. But the memories I had were bleak and scary, I remember thinking I was back at his house again being bathed by Barbara, thinking that being saved and taken in by the Cullen's all had been a dream.

Even though I had not left my room or have hardly spoken since I came home from the hospital, I still had allowed Carlisle to work with me on physical therapy

and listened to him when it came to my medications and eating habits. He told me on more than once occasion that if I fall ill or become weaker, they will have

no other choice to send me back to the hospital. I also want to be strong enough to take care of myself, healthy enough to not depend on anyone but myself.

Now as I lay half awake in my bed, I can hear a strange sound. I slowly sit up in bed and rub at my eyes. The first thing I notice is that there is a lock chained around the handles of the door that leads to the balcony. I start to panic, always afraid of being held captive once more. But before I can worry about this much further, that noise becomes louder. It's coming from my closet. It sounds like someone is hurt so I carefully get out of bed and start walking towards the noise, using my walker of course.

As I get closer, I can see two legs. Male legs, they are trembling. "Hello?" I ask.

No, answer only a noise that would normally come from a dying animal. I walk into the closet and see Edward. He is sitting up against a dresser, his hair is

greasy and wild.

"Edward?" His eyes whip to mine but they are unable to focus on me or

on anything. His eyes are wild and crazed. He has dark circles pooling around

his lashes, the rest of his face pale.

"You are not real, you are a dream! I am sorry I couldn't save you!" He says but he is looking beyond me. To someone or something that is not there. He pulls at his hair, "I'm sorry! I can't, it's not fair. You are not real, you are not real…"

"Edward, what's wrong?"

Again he doesn't answer but starts to rock back and forth, slamming his head against the dresser. I'm starting to become frightened. Not frightened of him but for him. There is something certainly wrong and I am worried. I should go get someone. He needs help.

"Are you hurt?"

"Stop! You are not real! I killed you! I'm sorry." He yells into the air.

I am torn, I do not want to leave him, afraid of hurting himself but I'm afraid if I don't get help he will end up hurting himself and possibly me. I finally make the decision to go get help before something worse happens. I slowly turn around and make my way to the hallway. I have no idea where anyone is, I am not even sure anyone is home. Once out in the hallway, I notice the door to Carlisle's study is open. It's never opened unless he is inside. They must have heard my walker because before I am even halfway across the hall, both Jasper and Carlisle emerge from the room.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Carlisle asks, concerned, "Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine," I reassure them both.

"It's Edward."

"Edward?" They both ask, confused.

"There's something wrong, he's shaking and mumbling and isn't acting right."

Carlisle doesn't wait for any further information before he bolts into my bedroom.

"Are you okay to walk back?" Jasper asks me.

I nod at him and we both head back towards my room, he patiently stays by my side.

Once back into my room, I can hear Edward again. "She's not real! But she's there! I can see her! I know she's not real! Dad, why?" I hear him yell.

"Edward, she is real. She is safe, you saved her."

Jasper goes into the closet and I am not far behind. "What's going on?" Jasper asks.

"I think he is hallucinating but I'm not sure why."

"Edward, look at me." Jasper demands. Edward tries but he is having a hard time focusing.

"When was the last time you slept Edward?"

"Can't. No, sleep. Can't." I have never seen Edward like this. I feel bad for him, I'm the crazy and screwed up one. Not him.

"Do you know the last time he has slept?" Jasper asks Carlisle.

"No, he has been in Bella's room the last few nights. But I'm not sure if he is actually sleeping or not," Carlisle answers him. I see him check Edward's pulse, he doesn't look pleased with the results.

"His heart rate is too high. Can you go get me my bag?" He asks Jasper.

Edward has his knees to his chin and is still shaking and rocking back and forth. But is no longer hitting his head on the dresser.

"Is this how you found him?" Carlisle asks me.

I nod, "What's wrong with him?"

At the sound of my voice, Edwards head snaps to me but his eyes are still unfocused. "Not real, dead. Not real, dead…" he repeats quietly.

"I think he is sleep deprived along with the panic attacks he has been having, I think his body is literally too tired to function properly."

"Panic attacks? Edward?"

Carlisle doesn't get a chance to explain further before Jasper is back. He hands Carlisle his bag.

"Edward. I need to listen to your heart okay?" Carlisle tells him. He doesn't answer. He just keeps rambling. "Shh son. Just for a moment so I can hear your heart." Edward stops talking for a moment. But as soon as Carlisle is finished he starts rambling and breathing heavily again.

"What's his heart rate?" Jasper asks.

"174." by the look on Jasper's face, I know that is not good.

"Do you think he has taken anything?" Carlisle questions.

"I'll look around his room but see if he can tell you."

Jasper leaves and Carlisle goes ahead and tries to get a blood pressure on Edward. I just stare frozen to what is happening. Edward has stopped rambling but is still breathing heavily and shaking.

"Edward? Have you taken anything? Any drugs or over the counter medicines?" He doesn't answer. Edward and drugs? No. He wouldn't. Would he?

Jasper returns, "There were a bunch of empty energy drinks and empty packets of caffeine pills. And this." He toss's an orange pill bottle to Carlisle.

He looks at it carefully. "Alice's Ritalin?"

"Yea. I don't know how many he may have actually taken because she doesn't always take it. The script was filled a week ago and there are 12 gone."

I remember Alice having to take it so she could concentrate. She was easily distracted and unusually hyper. This medicine helped her stay focused and do better in school.

"Edward, did you take any Ritalin?" Carlisle asks him.

"Dead, alive. Not safe….have to stay awake….just a ghost…" was his response.

We all just looked at him, dumfounded to what he is saying.

"I think if we get him to sleep, his heart rate will come down. His blood pressure is good but we will have to keep an eye on it." Carlisle says.

"Well I think we will have to sedate him to get him to sleep."

Carlisle sighs, "I know." He reaches into his bag and brings out two vials and two syringes.

"Haldol and Ativan?" Jasper asks. Carlisle nods and draws up the medication.

"Edward, we are going to give you some medicine to make you feel better."

"No, no, no….dead…I killed her….save her…I can't…" He doesn't hear as he continues to ramble. He doesn't even flinch as Carlisle injects him with the medications.

"Bella, come on. Lets get you sitting." Jasper suddenly says.

"I'm fine, I need to make sure he's okay."

"He will be, I will let you know if anything changes. Come on,"

I realize I am starting to feel slightly weak from standing so long and I allow Jasper to help me to the window seat in my room. It's dark outside but the moon is bright and the Cullen's have a beautiful view.

"You okay?" he asks me. I nod. I am not sure what I am feeling.

"Okay, I am going to help get Edward into bed and then I will be back in to check on you." I nod again, there isn't anything left to say.

He disappears into the closet and after a few minutes, him and Carlisle are supporting Edward by his arms as they help him to his room.

I notice the lock on the balcony doors once more. I don't know why they are there. It makes me nervous. Burn, oh baby burn. I try not to think about it too much but it's mocking me, burning me. My heart starts to beat faster, my breathing becomes quick and then Jasper comes back but I barley notice.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I see him follow my stare. "Bella, you are okay and safe. No one is holding you captive, the lock is on there for your safety."

"But why?" I ask, distastefully.

"Bella, sometimes you sleep walk."

"What?"

"Sometimes you have nightmares and sleep walk."

"What does that have to do with the lock?"

"One night you were sleep walking and walked out onto the balcony. You started to climb over the railing and almost fell over."

"Edward was sleeping in here that night," I assumed. I knew someone slept in here every night with me but they didn't come in until I was asleep.

"Yes."

"And he blames himself?"

"I think so."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Everything was my fault. "Jasper, do you think I will ever be normal again?"

He took a seat at the opposite end of the window seat. "Bella, what do you think is normal?"

"Anything but me."

"Scientifically I guess there is a normal but in my personal opinion there is no such thing. Each person is unique, each person is different."

"Well I am sure if you look up the word abnormal in the dictionary there is a picture of me." I shivered, remembering what I looked like, ruined, scarred.

"Bella…"

"No, just leave. Please, I would like to be left alone."

"Bella…"

"I said I was done talking and I am done listening, leave!" I screamed at him.

He nodded at me and quietly left.

I was tired. Tired of trying, tired of talking, tired of trying to be normal, tired of living. I was hurting everyone around me, I was causing others to hurt themselves. Edward would not be like he is right now if it wasn't for me. As tears streaked my cheeks, I found my way to the closet, a death grip on my walker. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, what my plan was. I wasn't sure if I was even going to do anything but I needed to have some control. I wanted the option to make the decision if I wanted to be in this world any longer. I found myself rummaging through Carlisle's medical bag. There were a bunch of pills, I grabbed a bottle and took them back to my bed. I shoved them into my pillowcase and lay down. I found myself drifting into slumber; only to be woke up by the image of Edward, shaking and sick in the closet. What had my life become? What had I done to the people that lived in this house? I think this went on for hours until I finally fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up next, there were beams of sunshine coming through the windows. It didn't make me feel better.

I looked around the room; Jasper was asleep on the couch. Someone always watching, babysitting, worrying when my mind would falter next. I fell back into the pillow, exhausted from the previous night. I could feel the tiny lump from the bottle that was hidden inside. I looked the at the lock on the balcony doors again. Still mocking me, still burning. It was then I had made my decision; I lifted my blankets away from my scarred, ruined body but was stopped by a knock at the door. It woke up Jasper. They didn't wait for a response to open the door. Everyone knew I wouldn't respond. Silence was my friend and my enemy.

It was Carlisle, he looked upset, not angry but worried. My eyes went to the closet door, it was closed. Someone had shut it, someone had been in there.

"Morning Bella, morning Jasper."

"Morning," Jasper mumbled as he rubbed at his tired eyes.

"How are you doing this morning, Bella?" Carlisle asked me. He brought his hand to his chin and looked at my intently, his bright blue eyes boring into mine.

I nodded, too afraid to speak.

For a moment he didn't say anything, just kept his eyes locked to mine. My heart started to flutter.

"Bella, honey. I need you to give them back to me."

I gave him my best confused look, he sighed.

"I know you took them, I hope you haven't taken any."

"What did she take?" Jasper asked, his eyes alert now.

"There is a bottle of pain pills missing from my medical bag."

He knew.

"Is that true?" Jasper asked.

I didn't say anything, I tried to keep my expression calm. They both continued to stare at me, waiting for my reaction. I looked back and forth at the two of them.

"Can you tell me if you took any?" Carlisle asked me.

I didn't answer.

"Bella, I need to know if you took any of them. They can be very dangerous and can cause a lot of problems if not taken correctly, even death can occur."

"Isn't that the point?" I whispered.

"Bella, why did you take them?" Jasper asked.

I didn't answer again.

I looked at them with pleading eyes, please let me be. Please let me do this, please, I wanted to tell them.

I knew I wasn't going to win this, another decision taken from me. They had chosen that I would live, not me. I didn't want any of this.

I carefully reached into my pillowcase pulling out the bottle. I held them in my hand for a moment, I held the way out in my hands and they were going to deny me of it. It didn't matter what I wanted.

Still holding the pills, I slowly removed the blankets covering me and swung my legs over the edge. Neither of the men moved, they hesitantly stood by waiting for my next move. They were far enough away from the bed that this was my only chance.

I made the movement to seem like I was throwing the bottle to Carlisle but never let them go, "Here," I said quickly. It caught them both off guard for a moment, just long enough that I used all my strength and darted to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me, locking it. Locking them out, locking my decision in the bathroom with me. I took a brief moment to catch my breath then made my way over the to the sink. I knew I only had moments. I was sure they had a key to door. I slowly looked at the mirror, seeing the stranger stare back at me only confirmed my decision.

I opened the bottle and poured all of them out into my hand. I took a glass from the sink and filled it with water.

"I'm sorry Dad," I said as I heard frantic knocking on the door. I quickly threw all the pills in my mouth, taking a swig of water, swallowing with one final gulp.

"I'm sorry Bella, I'm sorry I couldn't save you." I told the stranger in the mirror. I slowly made my way to the floor, tears of relief and happiness flowed freely.

Frantic knocks and screaming were coming from the other side of the door. "Bella, open this door right this second or I will break it down!" Screamed Emmett.

"I'm sorry Emmett! I'm sorry I couldn't save Bella! I'm sorry for hurting you!" I screamed at him. "I want to be with Dad!"

The knocking and screaming stopped. Then I heard a click and watched as the lock turned on the knob. Emmett stormed in, closely followed by Carlisle and Jasper.

Emmett saw the empty pill bottle, "What have you done?!"

I scooted back against the shower door, "Please just leave me alone! You all made the decision for me to live, I don't want to! It's my decision, my choice! Please leave!"

Carlisle picked up the pill bottle and read it carefully, "Emmett you need to leave."

"No! Why? I am not leaving!"

"You need to leave, please send up Rosalie."

"No! I am not leaving her!"

"Please, Emmett. Every minute counts and we are going to have to do some things to Bella that you don't need to see."

You could see the conflict in Emmett's face. Please leave, all of you. Just please, let me do this.

"Bella, I am sorry for failing you. I am soo sorry…" He turned to leave. Pain, I was still causing pain. No matter what I did. I was the failure, not him.

Carlisle followed behind him, I didn't know why.

Jasper crouched down in front of me, I tried to move away but I was already up against the shower door, there was nowhere left for me to go.

"Please just leave and let me be…"

"Bella, as a doctor and a human being I cannot do that."

"Why?"

"Because you are ill. If you were healthy you wouldn't be making this decision."

"How do you know?! This is me, this is who I am! I just want to be with my Dad….is that too much to ask?"

"Bella, you were denied that option. You were denied of a lot of things…"

"It's funny how life is, ya know? I was denied so much but so much was forced upon me. You have no idea what I have been through! If you were me, you would want the same thing!"

"I am not saying I wouldn't and you are right, I don't know what you have been through completely because you won't speak of it."

"You want to know? You want to know that I was forced to have sex numerous times! You want to know that I was burned almost on a daily basis! Hot irons forced inside me only because he loved the smell of burning flesh! He told me that he was burning away my sins! You want to know that numerous men just laughed at me when Joseph would hurt me! You want to know that I was drugged out of my mind every day and secretly I was grateful for it because it made everything hurt just a little bit less. Is that what you want to know?" I was sobbing by the end of my rant.

He flinched but calmly spoke, "Yes, Bella. That is exactly what I want to know because holding everything inside is not healthy, what you went through is horrific but we can't help you if you don't talk to us."

I don't know how much time had passed but I was starting to feel the effects of the medicine. I remembered this feeling and it was nice.

Carlisle came in just then, carrying his medical bag along with other supplies, Rosalie behind him. My breathing starts to quicken and my heart starts to pound in my chest.

"How is she doing?" Carlisle asks Jasper.

"I think she is starting to feel the effects of the medicine, were they quick dissolve tablets?"

"Yes that's why Bella, we have to do things right now and you may not like it."

"No! Leave me be! Please, I am begging you!"

"Bella, I already told you, we cant do that."

I was started to get really dizzy, the medicine taking on full effect. I closed my eyes.

"Bella, stay with us." Carlisle said to me, I could feel his fingers on my wrist. I tried to open my eyes. Numb, peace.

"Let's lay her down." I heard him say, hands on me, I was numb, it was okay.

I could feel someone getting a blood pressure I think, fingers on my wrist, something touch my chest.

"Bella, we need to stick a tube down your nose so we can help the medicine bind up. Rosalie, can you start an IV?"

No. Please, no. Feel a tickle at my nose, I'm choking, I'm trying to fight, I cant breathe.

"St…op…"I gurgle.

"Jasper, hold her hands down."

No! No! I scream at them in my head, I try to kick my feet, I pull at my hands. A dark thick blanket starts to creep into my mind.

"Her breathing has slowed! Rosalie is that IV in?"

"Yes!"

"Give her the Narcan!"

"She needs oxygen….Bella? Bella? Can you open your eyes?"

There is a pressure in my chest. I don't mind, it's welcoming. No more burning, no more trying, no more pain, no more anything. And it makes me happy, the end.

But it wasn't the end. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. No!

My eyes snap open, expecting to see a hospital room but that is not where I am. I am in my room but not in my bed. I take a moment and try to focus on my surroundings but as soon as I move, my head starts to pound with pain. I close my eyes for a brief moment but then slowly open them. This time I move my head very slowly. I am in a hospital bed. I have one of those IV thingy's in my hand again and a tube in my nose. The heart monitor beeps quietly in the background and Carlisle is walking towards me.

"Bella, how are you feeling?"

"I don't know, burn, oh baby." I whisper. The last memories I have before I woke up come flooding through my mind. Oh. Wait? No. Oh.

"Why didn't you let me die?" I ask him angrily.

"Bella, besides a million ethical reasons and the law, I care for you deeply. No one wants you to die. And if you don't allow us to help you, we will have no choice but to send you to an institution." He has an authoritative edge to his voice. I messed up, I messed up badly. I wasn't going to admit that I didn't want to die anymore because that would be a lie. But I didn't want to be institutionalized. No, burn baby burn. No. I can't.

I was speechless.

"I am not telling you this to make it feel like a threat, I know it is common to have suicidal thoughts after a traumatic event but…"

"Traumatic event?! Is that what you call it? Because I like to call it my life! This isn't something that happened once, this happen for 10 years! What that man did was not an event, it was a traumatic eternity…one that will never end…"

"Bella, it has ended. Now you have to allow yourself to heal. Your body is doing great but your mind is fragile."

"Yea, as in I can't control when I will lose it."

"But when you took those pills, you weren't out of your mind. You were extremely lucid, you knew exactly what you were doing. If you were having an episode, this may not be so serious."

Emmett walked in through the door, his eyes wet and puffy but he tried to give me a big smile, "How are you feeling?"

Disappointed, a failure, horrible, scared, "Fine."

"So Carlisle has told you what will happen if you don't allow us to help you."

"You can't force me, I am an adult!"

"Then start acting like one Bella. All you do is sit and mope. I understand set backs and the issues you are going through but you want to be able to make decisions and take care of yourself? Then do it!" Emmett said angrily.

Power of attorney, those words popped into my mind. I remember what they mean. "But I don't have that option do I?"

"What do you mean?"

"When Jasper and Edward were arguing before Aro came to the house, I heard one of them say you have power of attorney over me. I don't have a choice in anything I do, do I?"

Emmett looked shocked.

"Is this some secret that I am not suppose to know about?"

"Bella, Emmett was granted that so he could make important decisions that you weren't and still aren't capable of making. You were never denied anything you wanted…" Carlisle answered.

"Yes I was! I wanted death but you took that from me!" I screamed at him, pointing my finger.

"Bella, you are sick. Sick people get help. Emmett has only made legal decisions and things like that, he hasn't forced anything upon you and if you were to be institutionalized it would not be because of him, it would be because of me. As a doctor I can have you committed for a 72 hour evaluation and with the evidence I show them, you would most likely stay longer."

I was so angry, why were they doing this?

"I am going to send Rosalie up so she can take your IV out and get you moved into your normal bed. Or you could come downstairs and spend some time down there."

"Umm, yea I'll pass."

"It's your choice," Carlisle reminded me.

As they both turned to leave, I remembered something. "How is Edward?"

"He is fine, he was just exhausted and took too many energy supplements but he is fine."

I nodded, I was happy he was okay. But my anger resurfaced and I crossed my arms over my chest and rolled to my side, towards the wall.

Rosalie did come up and remove all the medical stuff from my body. She tried to make conversation but I didn't respond. She left when I was comfortably in bed and changed into fresh clothes.

For the next 3 days, everyone came to 'visit'. Besides Edward, he never came. I figured he was mad at me, disgusted with me. I didn't have anything to say to anyone else. For 3 days, I watched the door hoping Edward would come and visit. For 3 days I didn't eat, shower, or get out of bed besides for toilet time.

On the fourth day, that all changed. On the fourth day Edward came to see me but it didn't go the way I thought it would. He came stomping into my room. He looked angry.

"Bella."

"Edward?"

"Get up."

"What?"

He walked over to my bed, ripping away my covers, "I said get up, now."

"No!"

"Bella, if you don't get up, I will take you out of the bed myself."

"Edward, leave me alone! Just leave. Please."

I went to lay my head back down on the pillow but before I even realized what was happening, I was being picked up and carried to the bathroom.

He set me down on my feet, the cold tile jolting me completely awake, "Get a shower," he told me.

"What?"

"I said get a shower."

"Why? No! I want to go back to bed!"

"Get a shower, Bella." Me and him had a staring contest for what seemed like an hour, I knew it wasn't going to win.

"Fine, but get out!"

"You know I can't do that. I will sit over there by the window facing away, remember you are safe and no one is going to hurt you."

"Uggh," I knew I wasn't going to win this either so after he was turned away I stormed into the shower with all my clothes on and slammed the door shut. I undressed in the shower and threw my clothes over the side. I sat down on the shower stool and bathed. I took my time, I was angry that he was making me do this.

"You don't come see me for days and then think you can come in here and tell me what to do!" I screamed at him.

"Bella, I couldn't come see you. I needed to calm down because I didn't want to upset you any further…"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry," I said as I turned the water off, it seemed my anger was instantly washed away with the water, swirling away down the drain.

He threw a towel over the side, "I am not angry at you. I was angry at myself, I feel like I failed you."

"Thank you for the towel but why would you feel like that? It's not your fault," I dried myself off and wrapped the towel around my body.

Edward was facing the window, away from me, when I came out of the shower.

"Bella, all I want to do is be there for you, to help you, to keep you safe and I failed."

"None of this is your fault, it's no ones but mine. I am so sorry for hurting everyone, I just wanted to make a choice of my own."

"Is it okay if I turn around?"

"Yea," I blushed.

He slowly turned around and gave me a small smile, "Bella, please tell me what I can do to help you?"

"I don't know, Edward. I don't know what I want, what I need. I don't know where to start. If I feel like things are getting a bit better, I hit a huge pot hole and everything falls to pieces."

He slowly walked over to me and grabbed my hands, "Let's start with dinner."

"What?"

"Today is Carlisle's birthday and…"

"Today is his birthday?" I asked, remembering how I yelled at him this morning to leave me alone.

"Yes and we are having a family dinner. It will only be 8 of us and a friend of Carlisle's and his wife."

Strangers, burn oh baby burn.

"Its okay, Bella. You don't have to if you don't want to. His friend's names are Eleazar and Carmen. They are friends of Carlisle and friends of Jaspers too. I trust him and he has been a friend of the family's for a long time. But it's up to you, you are welcome to join us for dinner or I can have dinner with you up here."

I felt guilty being so mean to Carlisle on his birthday but I wasn't sure about meeting strangers. I also didn't want Edward to miss his father's birthday dinner. Burn oh baby burn, no. Please. Wait. I am okay, I am safe.

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay, I will go down for dinner."

"That's great, Bella. Remember you are safe, you remember that?"

I took a deep breath and nodded my head.

"Okay, let's get dressed."

Edward gently pulled at my arm, and I followed him into the bedroom, Alice sitting quietly on my bed.

"Is it okay if Alice helps you get ready?"

I nodded. She walked over to me and replaced Edward's hands with her. I still needed help getting around. Lying in bed for 3 days had delayed my physical recovery quite a bit.

"Okay, sweet girl. I will see you downstairs. You are safe and no one is going to hurt you, I promise."

Edward left, closing the door behind him.

"Are you okay, Bella?"

"Yea." I noticed a light blue dress lying out on the bed. It was very pretty, "Is that for me?"

"Yes, isn't it lovely?" She beamed, clothes were here passion.

Once Alice helped me dress, she dried my hair and gave me a very complicated but beautiful braid. She handed my walker to me and we slowly headed down stairs via the elevator. We made our way out onto the back deck, once the door opened all eyes were on me, burn oh baby burn. I closed my eyes as my cheeks burned red.

I felt a cool hand on my cheek, "Shh, Bella. Remember you are safe, no one is going to hurt you," someone whispered in my ear. I slowly take a deep breath and open my eyes to Edward. I smile.

"Come on, let's sit down." He encouraged, a grin plastered on his face. I looked around the large table as Edward ushered me to an empty seat.

"Thank you for joining us Bella," Carlisle said.

"Happy Birthday Carlisle," I tried to apologize with my eyes.

He nodded, I think he understood.

I was introduced to Eleazar and Carmen, Edward gave me a reassuring squeeze. Dinner went by smoothly, I ate a small meal. Esme brought out a massive cake and we sang happy birthday. I felt true happiness, I joined in the conversation. I didn't say much but I felt I belonged, apart of the family. Presents and drinks were brought out, I had water. Everyone was talking and laughing. Edward stayed by my side the entire time, giving me a reassuring squeeze every now and then.

Emmett and Jasper were standing by the railing while Emmett was telling some outrageous story when I heard him say loudly, "I told him he could suck my dick..." he laughed loudly.

Instinctively I threw myself to the ground, on my knees, the hard concrete burning my skin like a hot iron, lowering my head, "Yes sir. Joseph, my master."

My hands start to shake, tears start to form. Not again, I thought I was done. The fog creeps, usually an enemy but a friend right now. Burn, oh baby burn. You know it's the way you like it. I'm so sorry, please be quick.

Someone grabs my hands, "Bella, Bella. It's okay, you are safe, remember?"

"No! Burn oh baby burn! I'm sorry! Loving time will be great, I will be good."

I feel fingers on my chin, raising my head.

"Open your eyes, my dear."

I'm shaking and it's starting to get hard to breath but I obey. It's Edward. All I can hear is silence, it hurts my ears. I look into his eyes.

"Bella, repeat after me. My name is Bella Swan."

Tears spill as I realize my mistake, "My name is Bella Swan."

"I am safe."

"I am safe."

"No one is going to hurt me."

"No one is going to hurt me."

"Are we okay?"

I look around, everyone is silent, staring, so still. Embarrassment flushes my cheeks like a hot flame, "I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay, you did nothing wrong. Are you okay to stand?"

I nod, my knees burn. I take Edwards hands and slowly stand. I look down, my knees, they are bleeding, small red rivers flowing to my feet.

"I am so sorry Bella," Emmett's face is full of guilt.

"It's okay, it's not your fault. I am sorry for ruining your party Carlisle."

"Bella, you didn't ruin anything, I promise," He smiles at me, I try to smile back but I am so embarrassed that I cant keep it there for more than a second.

"Come on Bella, let's get some bandages on your knees. Is it okay if I pick you up?" Edward asks.

"Yes," I whisper.

He carefully picks me up, I close my eyes burying my head into his chest. I don't want to see the pity on everyone's faces. I feel us walking through the house for a moment before he sits me down. I open my eyes, we are in the downstairs half bath.

"Are you okay?" Edward asks me.

"I am so stupid."

"You are not stupid, it's what is called a trigger Bella. Your body instinctively reacted to a trigger."

"But why? I hate it!"

"This is why you need to talk to Jasper. He can help you with this, I promise. He is the best and has a lot of success with trauma victims."

"But what if I fail, what if he fails…what if there isn't enough help out there for me?" I cry.

"Bella, you don't see it but you have already made a lot of progress."

"I tried to kill myself!"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you haven't made progress. There are going to be set backs and hurdles. I think you wanted to kill yourself because you were angry and scared, not because you truly wanted to die, you wanted to have control over something and that is how you handled it. It wasn't the right way but now all we can do it move forward…"

"I'm sorry! I just don't know what to do!"

"Let us help you."

"I don't know how!"

"Well first off, let me clean out the wounds on your knees and put bandages on them, is that okay?"

I nodded. We were both silent while Edward bandaged my knees. I only hissed at him once when he poured the peroxide over them, it stung. Not burn, sting.

"Are you okay to go back out?" he asked me.

"Eleazar probably thinks I'm crazy and Carlisle is probably embarrassed."

"First off, Carlisle is not embarrassed, he cares for you and nothing you do would ever embarrass him. And Eleazar would never think you were crazy. We wouldn't have invited him if he were ever able to think that. He is a doctor too, he knows a little bit of what happened to you. He would never think you were crazy."

There was a knock at the door. "Come in," Edward answered.

Jasper poked his head inside, "Everything okay?"

"Yea, I'm sorry," I said.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Bella. It was a natural reaction that was caused by a trigger, something that we can work on, right?" he said carefully, his eyes swiftly meeting Edwards before returning to mine. Edward nodded to an unspoken question.

"Yea."

"Good. Now lets get back, we are going to make s'mores!" He placed my walker in the door way and quickly turned around to head back.

"S'mores?" I asked Edward. I hadn't had a s'more for a very long time, my mouth started to water.

"They are sort of a favorite of Carlisle's, it's a tradition for his birthday every year."

"Sounds yummy," I smiled.

"Okay then, let's go."

Edward brought my walker over to me, "Are you okay to walk? I can carry you if you'd like."

"Thank you but I would like to try to walk."

The bandages pulled as I walked but it wasn't a pain I couldn't handle. We made our way out onto the deck where everyone was surrounding a small fire pit, roasting marshmallows.

I sat down on an empty chair and Carlisle gave me a big smile, "Here Bella, you can have the first one!" He handed me a s'more, a roasted marshmallow with chocolate smashed between two graham crackers, also known as heaven in my mouth. I looked up and saw Edward staring at me.

"What are you looking at? Never seen a girl enjoy chocolate before?" I smirked.

"Not one so beautiful," he answered.

I smiled but I felt my cheeks flame red.

"You have a little something on your lip," he carefully swiped his thumb across my bottom lip, there was a spark, a flip flop of my belly, and his thumb left a tingle sensation on my lip. I swore I saw him blush too.

"Thank you," I whispered. Everyone was in conversation; I knew they didn't want to make a big deal about my earlier departure.

As I sat and watched the interactions of these people, I started to have conflicting feelings of happiness and sadness. I was happy because I was now truly safe and with my family. I was sad because I had missed all of this; I was taken from my family, from a happy life, from people that loved me. I felt tears starting to form, when Edward grabbed my hand and squeezed. I surprised myself when I didn't pull back, I embraced his touch. We sat there, far past sunset. Everyone was happy, I was happy. I prayed it could stay like this forever.

Eventually I yawned.

"Are you ready for bed?" Edward asks.

I nod. I am sleepy. He stands and offers his hand, "Good night everyone we are heading to bed."

"Okay, Good night Bella, good night Edward," Carlisle says.

Rosalie brings my walker to me and Edward helps me stand. Everyone says there good nights and we head to my room.

As I sit on my bed and I cant help but have tears fall.

"What's wrong?" Edward is worried.

"Nothing."

Edward kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his, "Then why are you crying?"

"I don't know…" I say honestly.

"There has to be a reason, dear."

I shake my head. After a moment of silence I build up enough courage to ask him a question, "Do you love me Edward?"

"What?"

"Do you love me? Right here, right now. The me that is sitting in front of you, do you love me?"

"Yes I do, very much."

"You can tell me."

He waits a moment but quietly says, "I love you Bella."

"I love you too, Edward," I whisper.

"You do?"

I nod, "I never have stopped, it just got lost in the fog."

"Doesn't that word upset you though?"

"Not coming from you."

"Oh Bella, is it okay if I try something?"

I freeze, I don't know what he means.

"It's okay, I promise. I am not going to hurt you, you are safe. Do you believe me?"

My heart starts to flutter, but it's a good flutter, "Yes I trust you."

He slowly lifts my right hand and presses his soft lips to the back of hand, my belly flip-flops, my cheeks flush, my head spins slightly. I don't pull away, I feel a smile grow.

Too soon Edward lifts his hand, "How was that?"

"Amazing." I breathe.

I hear a knock at the door, its Rosalie. She if here to help me get ready for bed and give me my night time medications.

Edward stands to leave.

"Wait? Will you be back?" I ask him.

"Of course, my love," he kisses my hand again and leaves. Rosalie's eyes grow big but she doesn't say anything. She makes polite conversation as she hands me my medications and helps me into my night clothes but she doesn't ask any questions. She stays with me until I fall asleep. I try my hardest to stay awake, to see if Edward comes back but part of my med regimen is a sleeping pill. I know as much as I want to stay awake all night with Edward, my body cannot afford that. So I eventually fall asleep with dreams of Edward dancing in my head. I love you Edward Cullen.

**A/N: So I apologize for the major delay in updating but I just started college again and it is kicking my butt. I haven't been to college in 6 years…so it is taking a little bit to get back into the swing of things. Please review, I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you.**


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